


Hostage of Your Heart

by SilverShadow1



Series: Harry & Louis - Stockholm Syndrome [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU Fic, Kidnapping, M/M, Niall Horan & Harry Styles Friendship, Self-Harm, Stockholm Syndrome, Young Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, eleanor is there for a hot second but does she really count? no, louis is the captor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 02:23:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 36,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11393415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverShadow1/pseuds/SilverShadow1
Summary: Harry Styles led a perfectly normal life until one day he was forced to live a new one. After being taken away from his previous life, he not only developed feelings for his kidnapper, the mysterious shadow, but also realized that when you stand too close to fire, you will inevitably get burned.** Originally posted on Wattpad under SilverShadow96** Based on "Stockholm Syndrome" by One Direction** I own nothing





	1. Prologue - So Long

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I originally posted this work on Wattpad three years ago, but I decided to re-post it on here since I recently re-read it and decided that I wanted to create a sequel! I'm not going to make edits to this version, so it's still the same content that I wrote then. I'll let you know when the sequel is going to be posted. Thanks and I hope you enjoy!

“Bye mum, I’m heading over to Niall’s!” Harry called from the foyer.

Anne stuck her head out of the kitchen door.

“So long sweetie, be careful,” she replied with a smile. He went back to kiss her on the cheek.

“Always,” he said, fondly. “I’ll be having dinner with him and the other lads tonight as well so don’t bother preparing for two.”

She nodded understandingly, waving him off as she retreated back into the kitchen to continue cleaning or whatever it was she was doing. Taking that as his cue to leave, Harry threw on his leather jacket and with a quick look in the mirror, left the house.

Given the walk from his house to Niall’s was not far, he opted to walk. The weather was pleasant today as well so he figured he ought to stretch his limbs a bit and to be honest, he felt that he could use the exercise.

Putting his headphones in both ears, he strolled with his hands in his pockets, not noticing the black SUV following him at a slow pace. All of a sudden he heard tires screech to a halt.

“What the –” he began, taking one headphone out and turning around. Before he could register what was happening; however, he felt a pin-like prick in his neck. He tried to let out a scream, but as his vision grew fuzzy, his speech also became slurred.

“Wha…” he tried to let out but someone gagged him and threw him in the car.

The last things he saw before he passed out were a pair of white Toms walking back to the front of the car.


	2. Day 1: Say Something

When Harry came to, the first thing he noticed is that he could not see anything. Panicking, he went to reach for his eyes but found that his wrists restrained by ropes. That is when he realized that he must be blindfolded and the real panic began to set in.

“HELP!” he screamed. His voice cracked under the strain. “SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!”

Out of nowhere, a hand connected with his cheek. He was stunned to silence.

He waited for the person to say something to him. Eventually, he realized that he was going to have to do the talking.

“Where am I?” he asked, irritated by the fear seeping into his voice. He had meant to sound angry.

No response, just the shuffling of feet.

“Who are you?” he tried again.

Still no response.

“TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.”

SLAP!

He cringed, recoiling in pain at the second slap. He felt his cheek smarting given the force behind the slap. Assessing the situation, the size of the hand and the force behind it led Harry to believe that it belonged to a woman.

“Why are you doing this?” Harry whimpered.

He received no response, though he was not expecting one.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his cheek again and flinched. It was gentle this time though. Surprised, he waited for something to happen. He felt the smooth hand caress his smarting cheek delicately, the thumb tracing circles on it.

Finally, the person withdrew their hand and Harry let out the breath that he was unaware he was holding. The suddenly, without warning, he felt a pair of thin lips press up against his cheek, sending a jolt of electricity through his veins.

Choking on his own saliva, he tried to recoil in on himself but to no avail. The lips, whether they remained on his cheek or not, had left a lasting imprint.

After one last kiss on the cheek, he heard the pitter patter on the floor of the person walking away and then the closing of the door. It was only then that he allowed himself to deflate and give in to the sobs threatening to overcome him.

What the hell did he do to deserve this?


	3. Day 2: Who Are You?

When Harry awoke the next morning, a wave of confusion coursed through his body. Upon realizing where he was though – or more, where he was not – his confusion was replaced with nausea.

Propelling himself so that his face was over the side of the bed, he promptly vomited anything left inside his system onto the floor. He continued to do so until he was left coughing. He then heard the door open.

He heard a sigh and the door close again for a few moments until it re-opened. Watching the shadow from behind the blindfold, he studied its actions.

The shadow had a delicate build and from what Harry could see, long hair. This further reinforced the belief that a woman was holding him. Who she was though, was the question that kept infiltrating his mind so for the time being, he figured he would simply refer to her as the shadow.

“I don’t suppose it’s worth screaming, is it?” he croaked. He saw the shadow shake its head. “Where the hell have you taken me that’s so remote that no one can hear me?”

No response. Shocker.

Suddenly, he felt pressure next to him. The shadow was sat on his bed next to him.

He felt the shadow’s hand work its way into his curls, gently tugging at them in a sensual way that caused his lower regions to throb.

“Wh – What are you –?”

The shadow put its finger over his lips. Its breath tickled his ear and Harry became acutely aware of how close a proximity they were holding. Suddenly, he felt it nip on his ear and he let out a moan. He froze, his eyes widening behind the blindfold.

The shadow stopped as well, sitting back in shock. It had not expected such a reaction, preparing for the inevitable scream to follow such an invasion of privacy. It brought its lips back to Harry’s cheek and Harry could feel the smirk against his flaming cheeks.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” he croaked, flatly. “You’re not the first woman to turn me on and I doubt you’ll be the last.”

He felt the lips freeze, having made their way back to his ear again. With a particularly hard bite to the earlobe, he felt the incline on the bed return to normal. Surprised, he watched as the shadow left the room with a slam of the door.

What the hell just happened?

***

Later that day, or maybe it was longer than that, Harry could not tell anymore, he heard the door open again and the shadow came in carrying something. Harry tried to squint behind the blindfold but all he could make out was that whatever the shadow carried was long.

Sitting beside him once more, he heard the clanking of silverware against what sounded like a bowl. Food.

He saw the outline of the spoon coming towards him and flinched, refraining from drastic movements given the fact that he had no desire to burn himself or his captor, making her only angrier with him.

He saw the shadow’s lips purse and felt the spoon shove its way towards his mouth again.

“Shove it,” he muttered. “Who knows what you could poison me with?”

He heard a grunt from the shadow. Then he saw the spoon reach the shadow’s mouth. The shadow had eaten some of it, proving that it was not poisonous.

Sighing and realizing that he would have to eat some time if he had any hopes of surviving whatever this was, he accepted the soup. He moaned with pleasure, realizing it was chicken noodle. His mother used to make the best –

He let out a strangled noise, the memory of his mother sending him reeling. Before he knew it, he felt the wetness behind the blindfold and tears start slipping down his cheeks, under the black cover.

The shadow lowered the tray with the bowl on it to the ground and thumbed his cheeks. Harry retracted from the touch, only sobbing louder as his body convulsed in agony. He wanted his mother… he wanted his friends… he wanted his life and freedom back…

“Shhh.”

Harry froze. Those were the first words he properly heard from the shadow. Surprisingly, they comforted him. He was not entirely alone.

What are you thinking? Harry thought to himself. She kidnapped you and is holding you hostage. You couldn’t possibly be more alone.

He felt the shadow’s thumbs continue to wipe the tears off of his cheeks, and then felt them gently move to his trembling lips. He shuddered, this time not moving away from the touch.

“Who are you?” Harry whispered again, more to himself than his captor.

Another sigh from the shadow. And then…

He felt a pair of lips on his own.

Harry was shocked to say the least. He wanted to fight. He wanted to struggle. He wanted to do anything to make this stop. But he was incapable of doing any of those things so instead he did what he never expected himself to do.

He kissed the shadow back.


	4. Day 3: Just A Whisper

He kissed the shadow back.

The feeling was inexplicable. It was wrong. So wrong. He had no clue where he was… how long he had been captured for… who this woman was…

Was she a woman?

The thought entered Harry’s mind and sent off alarms. These lips seemed too rough to belong to a woman. Not unpleasantly rough, but rougher than any girl’s lips he had kissed before.

Who was he kissing?

These thoughts ran through Harry’s mind but for some reason, he could not bring himself to fully care about them. Something about this… something about this – in a really sick way – felt right.

And then just as it started, the kissing stopped.

He heard a curse whispered and after being force-fed a few more spoonful’s of soup, the shadow all but ran out of the room.

There was no doubt in his frenzied mind after what just occurred.

Harry was falling for his captor fast and hard.

***

Not knowing the gender of his captor was messing with Harry’s head the more he thought about it. He had never experienced romantic or lustful feelings towards another guy before so to say he was confused and alarmed would be an understatement. To his surprise though, he found himself gradually accepting the idea that perhaps he was something other than straight. First things first though, he needed to discover the true gender of his captor and that would involve tripping the shadow up.

He decided to put his plan into action the next time that the shadow entered his room. Expecting another feeding, he was immediately alarmed when he felt his clothes being taken off of him and promptly forgot his plan.

“No, please,” he whimpered, fear coursing through his body. “Please, don’t.”

He saw the shadow shake its head and leave momentarily through another door that he had not noticed before. Then he heard running water. Harry’s confusion peaked.

Entering the room again, the shadow sat next to Harry and began giving him a sponge bath. Harry let out a humorless laugh, which caused the shadow to hesitate for a fraction of a second, only to resume moments later.

Harry felt his face heat up when it came to the part where his lower regions were being washed. Feeling the gentle stroking of the sponge against his throbbing member, he let out another unexpected moan. Biting his lip, he fisted the sheets. He was truly losing it.

When the washing was done, he expected his clothes to be put on him again but instead, he felt a pair of lips down below. Groaning, he continued to fist the sheets. He was unraveling rapidly. He felt the shadow’s lips turn up against his member, clearly witnessing the pleasure he was causing Harry.

“P – Please,” Harry muttered. “Fix it?”

He swore he heard the shadow choke.

“Really?”

Harry froze. Without meaning to, he just learned without a shadow of a doubt the gender of his captor. The shadow seemed to realize this too.

“Shite,” the shadow muttered.

For some unknown reason, Harry felt his lips lift at the sound and his newfound knowledge.

“The offer still stands,” he said, teasingly, surprising even himself by his bluntness.

He did not expect the shadow to oblige. Feeling the shadow’s hand encompass his length, he moaned as the former began pumping him. He had never felt this good before in his –

Then, just as he was at his breaking point, it all stopped. He furrowed his eyebrows.

“Why did you –?”

“Payback,” smirked the voice, sending chills down Harry’s spine. “Have fun fixing that by yourself.”

Harry groaned, this time out of frustration and shook his head in disbelief.

“I know they’ll be coming to find me soon,” Harry said to no one in particular, thinking the shadow had already left.

To his surprise, he felt hot breath tickle his left ear and felt his blood run cold at the following words that escaped his captor’s mouth.

“Maybe one day,” the shadow admitted, his voice hardly above a whisper. “But until then … you’re never gonna get away.”


	5. Day 7: I've Been Here For Days

It had been a week since Harry had been taken from the normality of his previous life, not that he was aware of the passage of time. For him, it felt like he had been held prisoner for months, maybe even years.

As time progressed, he also noticed that he looked forward to the periodic company that his captor provided. He tried not to look too much into why he was having these unwanted feelings but as the days went on, more than anything he wanted to see the shadow’s face.

The shadow’s visits had been minimal since his chilling words, however. The only time he appeared was to feed or bathe Harry and he hardly made small talk despite Harry’s best efforts. So all Harry had to go on at this point was a few words spoken by that remarkably angelic voice.

However, by the week-mark of Harry’s capture, he woke up in excruciating pain. He let out a whimper and started calling out for help. Finally, the shadow came.

“What?” snapped the voice, speaking to him for the first time in several days.

“It hurts,” Harry whimpered. The shadow froze.

“…What does?”

“My arms… my legs… everything.”

He felt his clothes being removed one article of clothing at a time and then an intake of breath.

“What?” asked Harry, sharply. “What is it?”

“Bed sores,” was the simple response.

Harry let out the breath he did not realize he was holding, trying to focus on something other than the pain. He should have seen this coming. He had been creating friction by squirming on the bed in his attempts to escape and it’s not like he had moved recently.

“How do we fix it?” asked Harry, unaware of the plural pronoun he just used.

“I… I don't know,” replied the shadow hesitantly. That set Harry off.

“Well, find out, would you?” he snapped. “I reckon my company is a bit too valuable to you for you to just let me wither away here.”

The shadow did not respond and left the room, Harry assumed to find information on the subject matter. It was not long before he returned.

The shadow did not speak but Harry could feel him applying numerous things to his limbs.

“What are you doing?” Harry inquired.

“Cleaning and dressing the wounds,” the shadow said, shortly.

Harry had an intake of breath as he felt sharp water being applied to his inner thigh.

“Sorry, it said to use saline solution.”

“Are you though? Are you really sorry?” said Harry, laughing humorlessly.

The shadow just sighed and continued his work, his eyes occasionally flickering to the younger boy’s lips unknowingly. When he was done, he found himself gravitating closer to his hostage’s face.

Then, leaning down, he pressed his lips against the boy’s again. He felt the boy shiver underneath him but paid the slight tremor no mind, gently caressing the boy’s face. Eventually, the boy responded to the kiss and the shadow smiled into it. Sooner than the shadow would have liked, he pulled away and stood up. He began walking to the door when he heard a light whisper.

“What?” he asked, turning around. He was not even sure if the boy had said anything meant for him to hear but he found himself curious.

“I –” Harry hesitated. “Why me? You could have chosen anyone, but you chose me. Why?”

The shadow smiled gently, not that Harry could see it.

“You glowed,” he replied, softly. “And a glow that pretty should never go unnoticed.”

Harry felt numb as the shadow left once more, leaving him alone in a situation that seemed, if possible, even bleaker than before.

***

I’ve been here for days was the thought that kept reverberating in Harry’s mind. Occasionally it was provided company by the other thought: Where are my rescuers?

Perhaps you don’t want to be rescued the voice in Harry’s head whispered. Harry dismissed it.

“Of course I do,” he said aloud to himself. “Why wouldn’t I –?”

“You know, talking aloud to yourself is the first sign of insanity.”

Harry froze. He had not spoken to the shadow for quite some time.

“Careful mate, you’ll catch flies.”

Harry promptly closed his mouth and his jaw ticked in anger.

“I’m not you’re mate,” he snarled. “I’m not your anything.”

“I don’t know…” remarked the shadow. “You seem to have been enjoying our time together.”

“No I haven’t,” said Harry, surprised when it came out as a whisper. So much for sounding confident. He could practically see the smirk on his captor’s face. “Quit smirking, you prick.”

“Would you prefer I do something else with my lips?” he suggested.

“N – No,” replied Harry, inwardly cursing at his voice’s betrayal.

His captor’s lips turned upward again, not that Harry could see them. But he imagined so.

Harry had an intake of breath, feeling the shadow now straddling him.

“Tell me what you want,” he said, simply.

“T-To go h-home.”

The shadow tutted.

“Now we both know that’s not quite true,” he whispered, suddenly very close to Harry’s ear. Without warning, he began nibbling on the younger boy’s ear, allowing the latter to emit an inappropriate noise.

Success.

He continued nibbling on Harry’s ear until he grew bored, then proceeding to work his way down. He began peppering Harry’s neck with kisses, honing in eventually on Harry’s sweet spot.

“Oh,” Harry moaned, loudly.

The shadow continued to suck on the spot, the spot gradually turning purple, much to his pleasure. Kissing it gently, he moved down.

“Still don’t want this, eh?” he said, grinning wickedly even though he knew Harry could not see him.

“Fuck,” Harry groaned. It was then that the shadow realized how hard his little toy was downstairs.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes,’ then?” He moved to get off, fully prepared to abandon the boy and have him deal with his hard-on alone again, when he heard a growl.

“Finish it.”

The shadow shivered at the noise, sufficiently turned on.

“As you wish.”

***

“Blimey,” groaned Harry. “You sure do know a thing or two.”

The shadow let out a sharp laugh that sent chills down Harry’s spine. The laugh was by no means unpleasant, in fact it warmed Harry in several places that he was unaware laughter could affect.

“I’ve had some practice,” the shadow replied. “Have you never had someone –?”

“Of course I have,” said Harry, cutting him off. “Just never…” he trailed off.

“A bloke?” finished the shadow. Harry hummed in agreement, his face flushing slightly more than it already was. “Are you…?”

“No idea,” replied Harry, honestly. “I always thought I was straight… but I suppose that’s not entirely accurate anymore since that was the best I’ve ever had.”

The shadow smirked.

“There’s more where that came from.”

Harry choked and the shadow laughed.

“Don’t panic, I won’t force anything like that on you. Only if you beg,” he teased. “I do have my morals, you know.”

“It’s good to know you draw the line at kidnapping and molesting,” said Harry, drily. The shadow frowned, though Harry could not see it. When he did not respond Harry asked, “What?”

“How old are you?”

Harry swallowed.

“How old are you?”

“I asked you first.”

“I could care less.”

The shadow grunted.

“Nineteen.”

Harry’s eyes widened behind the blindfold.

“Nineteen? Blimey, I thought you were at least in your thirties!”

The shadow cringed.

“Quit it, that’s old.”

“What the hell is a nineteen-year-old doing plucking random blokes off the street?”

“How old are you?” the shadow repeated, dodging the question.

Harry sighed.

“Seventeen.”

“Shite.”

“What? Are you so surprised?”

“A bit. You seemed older… you still live with your parents…”

“My mum,” Harry corrected, frowning. “How long have I been here for?”

“Erm… nearly a month now.”

Harry bit his lip, contemplating things. Why was he not as affected by this as he had been recently?

“What’s on your mind?”

“What’s your name?” Harry asked suddenly.

There was a pause.

“Jeffrey Austin.”

“Bullshit,” called Harry. “Your real name.”

He sighed.

“Louis Tomlinson.”

Harry found his lip turning up slightly.

“Louis Tomlinson,” he spoke aloud, sending chills down the other boy’s spine. “It’s a displeasure to meet you, Louis. I’m Harry Styles. I’d offer to shake your hand but you know, I’m a bit tied up.”

“Are you always this cheeky?”

“It comes with the territory.”

“And that territory being?”

“Your prisoner. I figure, maybe if I talk enough I’ll drive you crazy and you’ll send me home.”

Louis let out a laugh again, sending chills throughout Harry’s body.

“I like you, Harry.”

Harry was silent.

“Right,” said Louis, clearing his throat awkwardly. He tried to dismiss the hurt bubbling in the pit of his stomach. “I’ll bring your dinner some time later.”

Harry felt the bed lift up as Louis got off of it. As Louis opened the door Harry called out to him.

“Yes?” asked the older boy.

“Why did you start talking to me?”

Louis did not respond immediately and Harry expected him not to but then, to the latter’s surprise, an answer finally came.

“I was lonely.”

“…Can I admit something?” Harry asked, hesitantly.

“Sure,” said Louis confused.

“Up until now… so was I.”

Neither boy said anything more but on some level, their minimal words already spoken said it all.


	6. Day 60: The Two Voices

As the day turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, Harry and Louis spent more time getting to know each other. Both were surprised that despite the circumstances of their “bonding,” they actually did get on quite well. Louis would spend most of his free time in Harry’s room just talking to the younger boy about everything and anything.

“Favorite colour?” asked Louis.

“Blue,” Harry replied. “Not sky blue though, more like an ocean blue.” Louis hummed. “You?”

“Green.” Harry scrunched his nose. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything that looks good with the color green.”

“Green eyes are lovely.”

Harry hesitated.

“Are yours –?” Louis began, and Harry nodded. “Mine are blue.”

Harry bit his lip.

“Do you think you could…?”

“You've had it on for two months now,” warned Louis. “The light could hurt a lot.”

“Get me sunglasses, then,” pleaded Harry. “Let me adjust back. Please, I miss seeing things.”

Louis let out a sigh.

“I’ll think about it.”

Deciding not to push his luck, Harry opted to ask another question.

“Any siblings?”

“Yeah,” Louis breathed with a laugh. “Four younger half-sisters. Well, technically five but Georgia’s from my biological father and I don’t speak to or see either of them.”

Harry nodded.

“I have an older sister. Gemma’s her name.”

Louis was silent, contemplating things.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything!” Louis protested.

“You’re thinking so loud that it’s giving me a headache.”

Louis let out a tight laugh. He was silent for a few more moments until he finally blurted out:

“You know, there was another reason why I didn’t want to talk to you.”

“Oh?” said Harry. “What was that, then?”

Louis gulped.

“I – I was afraid that the more I might learn about y-you… the more…” he trailed off, realizing what he was considering saying was horrific.

“The more… human I’d be?” finished Harry, and Louis looked up surprised.

“Yeah,” Louis breathed. “That sounds worse out loud, I know.”

“There’s really no nice way to cut any of what you’ve done,” said Harry, shortly. Louis looked away from the boy. Then he turned back hesitantly.

“Have you always had curly hair?”

Against his will, Harry’s lip twitched.

“No,” he said, trying not to smile. “Only as I got older. My hair used to be poker-straight when I was young.”

“This is much better,” whispered Louis, taking a curl in his hand and tugging at it. The action caused Harry to emit a guttural sound. “Horny one, aren’t you?”

“I – It’s one of my turn-ons,” muttered Harry, his face heating up. Louis chuckled.

“Good to know.”

***

A few days later, Louis entered the room and sat down in his usual spot on the bed.

“Close your eyes,” he instructed Harry.

“Why? They’re blindfolded, dummy.” Louis rolled his eyes to himself.

“And they’re about to be un-blindfolded dweeb.”

Harry gaped, his face breaking out in a grin. As he did so, Louis felt his heart swelling. Harry’s smile was truly breathtaking.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. But only if you close them so they don’t hurt. I got you a special pair of glasses.”

Harry nodded eagerly and waited. He could feel himself being lifted off the pillow slightly so that Louis could untie the knot. Finally, it was removed and replaced by a pair of glasses. Able to open his eyes properly for the first time in quite a while, he tried to look around. He frowned.

“I can’t see much.”

“That’s the point. It’ll slowly adjust your vision. Give it a few days, then I’ll take them off for you.” Harry sighed but nodded. He felt the bed extend.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to go out.”

“Where?”

“What is this? Twenty questions?” Harry clucked his tongue impatiently. “I’ve got a date.”

Harry felt something stir in the pit of his stomach. He clenched his fists, which did not go unnoticed by Louis.

“You all right?”

“Peachy,” snarled Harry. “Have fun with your freedom.”

Louis stared at the boy slack-jawed.

“Harry –”

“Go,” ordered Harry. “Though I don’t recommend getting too frisky here. If your whore accidently walks into the wrong room you’ll have a couple of uncomfortable questions to answer.”

Louis’ eyes flashed and without another word, he slammed the door shut.

Harry heard the other boy mutter, “Ungrateful bastard” from the other side of the door. It was only when he heard the front door slam and the car pull out of the presumed driveway that Harry let a solitary, unforgivable tear roll down his cheek.

***

Louis did come back with someone. And they were loud. Harry wanted more than anything to scream out and get attention to where he was… to ruin Louis’ date and most importantly, his life.

But he could not bring himself to do either.

Something in him willed him not to, so instead he opted for crying silently as Louis and the girl he was with screamed out words that Harry only wanted Louis to scream when it was the two of them.

Wait, what?

No, no, no. I do not feel that way about Louis.

Of course you do, the other voice in his head reminded him. Why else are you staying silent when you could finally get your chance at freedom?

Because I might get hurt if I scream out.

Really? Or are you more afraid that you’ll be taken away from Louis and will never get to see him again?

I don’t see him now. Besides, he’s the prick who kidnapped me. Why would I want anything to do with him?

Because you’re fa –

Harry promptly shut the voice in his head off. He refused to go there. Also, he was interrupted by another scream.

“OH, GOD LOUIS. YES! RIGHT THERE, MHM FASTER BABY!”

Fresh tears filled Harry’s eyes. He began convulsing silently, the tears coming faster than he ever could have imagined possible. Why was this happening to him?

He seemed to be asking himself that question a lot lately.

Louis and the girl both let out particularly loud moans before silencing. They had hit their climax. Harry let out a shaky breath. It just had to be a girl…

Stop it, Harry.

“That was brilliant, Loubear,” giggled the girl.

Loubear? Harry nearly gagged.

“I’m glad, babe,” Louis replied. Was it Harry’s imagination or did Louis not seem as pleased about the sex as his date did?

“We should do it again sometime,” the girl continued.

“Mhm …”

He definitely did not sound enthusiastic about it. Maybe …

“In fact,” the girl continued, seductively. “I’m more than ready for round two if you are.”

No pleaded Harry to himself. He felt his heart rate increase. Tell the whore to leave. You didn’t like it, tell her to –

“More ready than ever, babe,” growled Louis, and the girl let out a giggle.

Much to Harry’s dismay, the two of them were at it again, the sounds of their skin slapping each other reaching his ears. Or maybe he was just imagining it. Nonetheless, even once Louis and his mystery girl fell asleep after the events of the night, Harry remained restless, his vision more blurred than usual by the tears both shed and unshed.


	7. Day 61: Nicknames

When Harry woke up the next morning, his eyes were heavy from all the crying he did the previous night. At first, he could not remember why he was so upset, but then it all came crashing back down on him.

Louis … the date … the girl … twice …

He felt his eyes growing wet again but blinked rapidly, refusing to cry more over the boy that was holding him here against his will. He did not deserve Harry’s tears. And he certainly did not deserve his lo –

Wondering what had woken him up to begin with since it was not very light in his room, he looked around as though that would help him. Then he realized.

Louis was singing.

Harry let out a soft sigh. Louis’ voice was beautiful. He only imagined how amazing it would be to be on the receiving end of his singing. He could picture Louis singing in the morning to wake him up… to help him fall asleep after a particularly rough day… while Harry was cooking breakfast in the morning…

Stop it. No need to get domestic. There will never be a ‘you and Louis’ as long as he continues to act like this shadow holding you hostage.

Is he really holding you captive at this point though? The other voice asked. You had your chance to escape and you let it slide by. Face it, you’re falling for –

The door opened, successfully interrupting Harry’s unwanted thoughts. Deciding to pretend he was asleep so that Louis would hopefully leave, Harry slowed down his breathing.

“Harry?” whispered Louis. He felt Louis’ delicate hand rest in his curls and stroke them gently. Harry resisted the urge to shiver and scream. Why was he doing this? They left things horribly yesterday.

He fought the urge to release the bile that rose in his throat at the sudden realization.

Louis must think that Harry truly is asleep and that is the only reason he is showing any form of affection.

“Haz, wake up.”

That got Harry’s attention and made him forget his plan momentarily. But that was too long.

“Haz?” he questioned, internally cursing himself when he realized his act was blown.

Louis shifted uncomfortably.

“Yeah, it just sorta came out. Sorry –”

“No … I like it.”

There was a tense silence between them. Louis wanted to talk about last night because he knew that Harry most certainly heard him and his date, but that was certainly the last thing Harry wanted to discuss at the moment.

“Harry, I –”

“I’m not feeling too well, Louis. Do you have any painkillers for a headache?” he asked, successfully cutting him off. Louis frowned.

“Yeah,” the other boy muttered. “I’ll – I’ll go get you some.” He left the room again and Harry let out the breath that he was unaware he was holding.

What would his next course of action be?

Harry had not come up with a plan when Louis returned several minutes later.

“Here you go, Haz,” Louis said, softly. His words sent tingles throughout Harry.

“Thanks Lou,” he said, sticking out his tongue for the pills.

“Lou?”

Harry blushed. Blushed.

“Erm, yeah. Do you not l-like it?”

“I love it,” said Louis sincerely. This only caused Harry to blush more, which of course resulted in Louis smiling fondly at the boy.

Harry swallowed the pills and downed them with the water that Louis offered.

“Do you – erm … want to talk?” asked Louis nervously.

Suddenly, the events of the previous night slammed into Harry’s mind like a runaway train.

“There’s nothing to discuss,” replied the curly-haired lad shortly.

“Sure there is,” sighed Louis. “I was stupid and – and petty and I shouldn’t have hurt you like that.”

“You didn’t hurt me,” contradicted Harry. Louis scoffed, causing Harry’s temper to flare. “You didn’t! To hurt me would imply that I cared about you in any way.”

Louis did not want to admit how much that stung, so he narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms at the younger lad.

“Haz, I can see the tear tracks. Don’t act like a hero.”

Harry cursed inwardly, wishing his arms were free to attempt to wipe his face.

“You’re a prick,” Harry stated.

“If this is how you normally accept apologies, I’m feeling severely underwhelmed.”

“Firstly, there is nothing to apologize for given that I am fine. Secondly, it’s your life. And thirdly, there is no apology to accept since you never said that you were sorry.”

Louis crossed his arms, sufficiently aggravated. Why was Harry getting under his skin and making this so much more difficult than it had to be?

“Well, I guess if you’re fine then I have nothing to apologize for,” said Louis snidely, and Harry snorted.

“Whatever you say, prick.”

“Stop calling me that,” said Louis through gritted teeth.

“I’m sorry. Is prissy more your speed?”

SMACK!

Harry’s head lolled to the side, the impact of the slap stunning him. He was speechless. It had been quite some time since Louis had laid a violent hand on him, the last being when they had not known anything about each other and Harry had been fighting to escape. Now … the dynamic was entirely different.

Louis was stunned too. He had not intended on laying a hand on Harry in such a way. It just … happened. But he instantly regretted it, guilt bubbling in the pit of his stomach.

“Haz …”

“Don’t,” said Harry, fighting back tears. “Just don’t.”

Louis hung his head.

“I’m so –” he began, but Harry cut him off again.

“I SAID DON’T, TOMLINSON!”

Louis recoiled at the use of his last name. He felt as though Harry had slapped him in return, the tone of his voice shocking him. The idea of an angry Harry terrified him for some reason.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, unsure if Harry even heard him or if he even spoke the words aloud. Backing slowly out of the room, he closed the door and fled.

Harry sighed, finally letting the tears fall. He was frustrated with Louis. Frustrated with himself. Frustrated with his entire situation and how he was allowing it to perpetuate.

And then, as if coming to him out of the cracks of the foundation, a solution presented itself to him. He now knew how to escape.

He would make Louis Tomlinson despise him.

***

The plan was not foolproof, even Harry could tell you that. In fact, there were a number of things that could go wrong. But Harry pushed this knowledge to the back of his mind and instead tried to focus on the task at hand.

Getting Louis to despise him so much that he lets him go.

The task was not proving to be easy though. Louis had been avoiding his room as much as possible over the past week. He would only deliver food, bathe him, and periodically check to make sure that the bedsores were not returning. Throughout it, Harry tried to provoke him, tried to get a reaction but Louis had become mute, as if he was immune to Harry’s words. And to be honest, it was aggravating Harry a great deal.

One day, the door finally opened and Harry started his daily spiel of insults again.

“Pleasure to have your presence again, Tomlingay.”

He heard Louis’ intake of breath but let out a huff when he got no response.

“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?”

Still no response.

“C’mon, grow a pair. Granted, you're such a coward that I wouldn't be surprised if your balls have been sucked so far up that they'll never drop again.”

He heard his food slam down on the table. But still no response from Louis, just heavy breathing.

“You’ve got the girly voice too,” pressed Harry, pushing it as far as he could, despite his insults becoming sloppy. “I’m surprised those tons of girls you’ve gotten with don’t question their own sexuality since you obviously don't –”

“Why are you doing this?” hissed Louis, the pain evident in his voice.

“What do you mean, Loubear?” asked Harry sweetly.

“Don’t call me that,” snapped Louis, disgusted.

“Why not? Will you punish me?” asked Harry flirtatiously. "I'm being awfully naughty, aren't I? I would deserve it."

What are you doing? His mind asked him. You’re meant to make him hate you, not flirt with the prick!

“Maybe I will,” growled Louis. “It’s not like you’d have a choice.”

“I’m liking this dominant side, Loubear,” teased Harry, unable to stop himself. “Are you sure you’re not compensating?”

Unable to restrain himself any longer, the bed inclined, Louis straddling him with his hands on Harry’s hips. His nails dug into Harry's hip bones, but the younger lad refused to show any sign of pain.

“Watch it, Styles,” snarled Louis. “I’m not afraid to take matters into my own hands.”

“Don’t tease if you’re not planning on delivering Tommo,” smirked Harry. “I know how touchy-feely you get when you want what you can't have.”

“I’m warning you, Styles…”

“Just face it, you want me but you’re too afraid to –”

A pair of lips on his own abruptly cut off Harry. Harry responded immediately, arching into Louis and moaning gutturally. He felt Louis smirk into his lips.

The kissing was sloppy and needy, their lips smacking and making obscene noises. As wrong as Harry felt about doing this and as much as he knew that he would regret his decision to go through with it later, he wanted it. He wanted it so badly and while that should scare the hell out of him, it made him feel more alive.

“Need you so bad,” Harry mumbled into Louis’ lips.

“As you wish,” muttered Louis, fumbling with Harry’s t-shirt.

Finally, once the shirt was removed, they resumed kissing. Their pace quickened with every passing moment, their desire for one another only increasing.

“She never meant anything to me, you know,” mumbled Louis into Harry’s lips.

“Who?”

“The girl I brought back that night. She was nothing. Just a casual fuck to get my mind off of you.”

Harry froze. He felt Louis’ lips continue to work against his own, but he suddenly felt ill.

“Haz?” questioned Louis, his lips still working against Harry’s unresponsive ones.

“That’s all I am then? A conquest. Something to be had and then left once you've had your fun.”

Louis stopped abruptly, his eyes widening.

“N-No, of course not. That's not what I …”

“That's it, isn't it? I’m a temporary conquest until you find some other unsuspecting boy to take off the streets.”

“No, Haz, I –”

“Stop. Stop calling me that!”

Louis swore that he could feel his heart break.

“Harry, I –”

“You know what? Just don’t talk to me at all. I would choose to rot away here for eternity and I could care less as long as I never have to speak to you ever again. Blimey, thank goodness I’ve never seen your face. I’d probably vomit from sheer repulsion.”

Instead of getting angry, Louis felt his eyes well up with tears, Harry’s words hitting hard. He quickly got up and ran out of the room, leaving Harry alone, and somehow more miserable than before.


	8. Day 100: Set Free

Harry had not been eating. Since the incident with Louis, he was hardly responsive to anything the boy did, and to say that Louis was getting both anxious and aggravated was an understatement. As a result of his refusal to eat much of anything, Harry was becoming dangerously thin and had contracted a dangerously high fever.

“You have to eat,” insisted Louis, trying to force-feed him.

“I’m not hungry,” Harry countered, his voice weak from lack of use and malnourishment over the past month.

“If you don’t I’ll have to start injecting you with food,” Louis warned.

“See if I care.”

Louis grunted and left the room. Counting this as a temporary win, Harry continued to stare vacantly at the shadowed ceiling behind his glasses. He had not bothered asking Louis to remove them even though he was sure that his eyes would be plenty adjusted by now.

He heard the door open again and groaned when he saw Louis’ form re-enter.

“I said I’m not hungry,” he mumbled into his sheets.

Louis did not say anything and instead caught Harry off guard by removing the glasses. Harry blinked several times, his eyes adjusting to the sudden change of lighting.

“Why –?” Harry began, but froze when he noticed how close Louis was to him.

“Louis …” he breathed, staring into the older boy’s crystal blue eyes.

“Yes, H-Haz?” stammered Louis, equally as breathless. He had never seen eyes as breathtaking as Harry’s. There was not a doubt in his mind that green was his favorite colour for a reason.

“Your eyes… they’re gorgeous.” Louis flushed.

“I could say the same for yours.”

Harry just shook his head though and continued to stare into Louis’ depths, completely and utterly mesmerized. He felt himself swelling at the sight of them.

“Please, Haz,” murmured Louis. “Won’t you eat for me?”

Harry sighed. How could he refuse those innocent, beautiful eyes.

He nodded slowly and Louis smiled gently. Harry continued to stare at the beautiful boy, soaking every bit of him in as he leant towards the nightstand to grab the tray that he had brought in earlier. He did not break eye contact, even as Louis fed him.

“What?” asked Louis softly.

“You’re just beautiful,” said Harry, his voice barely above a whisper. He smiled when Louis flushed.

“So you’re not still mad with me?”

“Oh, I am. But there’s no point in denying the obvious fact that I’ve never met anyone as breathtaking as you.”

Did I really just say that out loud?

Louis was now bright pink and trying to keep his hand steady as he fed Harry soup.

“You’re a real charmer, Haz. I hope you realize that.”

“So I’ve been told.”

The pair of them fell into a comfortable silence, only broken by the sound of the spoon dancing with the bowl and the pitter-patter of rain on the windowsill. Harry’s eyes searched the room.

“It’s not nearly as dank as I imagined it to be,” he commented, and Louis looked at him skeptically.

“What’d you expect? For me to put you in a dungeon?”

“Would it have been unreasonable to assume so given the circumstances under which I was brought here.”

Louis bit his lip.

“Fair enough.”

“Still,” continued Harry. “It’s nice in here. Kind of homey.”

“It could be,” said Louis before he could stop himself. Harry’s eyes widened. “I mean …”

“I think I’d like that.” Louis’ eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” said Harry uncertainly. “I’ve been denying it to myself for a while now, but … I really do like you, Lou. I know how we came to meet isn’t exactly … erm – traditional … but I can’t imagine leaving all of this” he pointed between the two of them, “behind.”

“Me either,” replied Louis honestly, swelling at Harry’s use of his nickname. “I’ve been a right git though, Haz, and I’m sorry. You’re not meaningless or some conquest for me. Sure, my motives for getting you here may not have been pure but once I got to know you … I don’t know, there’s something inevitable about us, you know?”

Harry nodded, and Louis could see the desire building in his eyes from where he was sat. He put the empty bowl down on the nightstand and laid a hand on Harry’s forehead. Harry’s eyes closed and he let out a breath at the sudden contact. Louis tried not to notice the feelings that stirred within him at the spontaneous contact as well.

“Your fever seems to be breaking,” he said, cheerfully. “You should be healthy in no time.”

Harry smiled gently, then his smile faltered.

“What is it? What’s wrong, love?”

His term of endearment caused butterflies to erupt in Harry’s otherwise knotted stomach. Harry was uncertain whether or not he should say what was on his mind.

“It’s not important…”

“Of course it is, it’s bothering you. Tell me, Haz.” Harry sighed.

“It’s just … I was wondering if I would be able to be untied soon.”

Louis’ gentle smile faltered and Harry felt his heart sink.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –”

“No, you’re right. It’s not right for me to keep you like this given our changing relationship with each other. It’s just … I’m worried you’ll leave and I don’t think I could survive not living with you anymore.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Lou,” said Harry, his hand attempting to reach for Louis’ own. Louis moved his hand to allow him to hold it and Harry began to trace circles on the back of it with his thumb. “There’s no where I’d rather be than with you.”

And as Harry spoke the words aloud, he realized the truthfulness behind them. Life without Louis, although once being something he desired more than anything else, was now horrifyingly impossible to him. This is where he belonged, with Louis. He wanted to be by Louis’ side, learning his likes and dislikes, showering him in hugs and kisses when the other boy was distraught, making love to him while looking into his beautiful blue eyes the entire time. These things, while once seeming ridiculous, were now all Harry wanted, so much so that he could not remember how he had lived life before meeting this wonderful boy.

Louis looked into his eyes, searching for fault or deception, and as he searched, his saw a whole life for them unfolding, making his stomach do backflips. Harry was rapidly becoming his everything and as he looked into the meadow-like depths, he could see that, much to his happiness, the feelings were more than reciprocated.

So without another word, he began untying Harry’s limbs one-by-one, as if freeing him from the cage he had been trapped in, and setting him free and into the new life that both of them yearned to create with one another.

***

Since Harry had been tied up and unable to properly exercise for nearly four months, the process of rehabilitating him was not an easy one. Louis had to constantly support Harry as his legs were prone to giving out underneath him, and that meant helping Harry do menial tasks.

“This is humiliating,” grumbled Harry.

“Haz, you have to pee some time.”

“I can do it myself.”

“Last time you tried you were practically a water hose gone wild.”

Harry could not help but snort at that, causing Louis to smile with success. He loved putting a smile on the younger boy’s face. It brightened his day more than he cared to admit.

“Still,” said Harry sobering up. “Let me try again.”

“You’re getting there, Haz,” said Louis softly. “But let me help you so you don’t hurt yourself.”

“You don’t have –”

“Yes I do,” interrupted Louis with a guilty expression. “It’s my fault after all…”

“Don’t do that,” said Harry, placing two fingers under Louis’ chin to lift it up. “Hey, look at me.”

Louis met Harry’s enchanting eyes, feeling his brain go fuzzy.

“I don’t blame you anymore. Sure, this isn’t an ideal way to meet someone and I would’ve preferred if you had gone for the mainstream ‘Hey, can I have your number?’ but it’s you and you’re wonderful.”

Louis smiled softly, melting from Harry’s words. Harry always knew what to say.

After finally giving in to Louis’ protests, Harry permitted the boy to help him use the toilet. When he had finished, it was time for them to broach another topic.

“So showering,” said Harry awkwardly, and Louis laughed uncomfortably.

“Well, if it helps I’ve already seen it all.” Harry smirked.

“So I take it you’ll help me then?”

“If it means preventing you from falling and cracking open your skull, certainly.” Harry rolled his eyes. “However, I think what may be slightly more practical would be a bath.”

“Oh?”

“Mhm,” said Louis, leading Harry over to the tub. He looked at the boy’s articles of clothing. “May I?”

Harry nodded and Louis wasted no time in discarding the t-shirt that Harry had on, throwing it to the other side of the lavatory near the door. He then worked on unbuttoning the curly-haired lad’s trousers until finally, the only thing left were his boxers.

Louis, momentarily distracted by the toned chest of the boy in front of him, heard a throat being cleared. He looked up, face flushed, to meet Harry’s amused gaze.

“See something you like?”

“Very much so,” replied Louis, his voice deeper than usual.

Harry felt a twitch in lower regions but chose to ignore it. No need to go there when he was practically naked. He waited for Louis to do something but seeing as the boy was practically frozen in awe, he decided to take matters into his own hands and sitting down on the edge of the toilet, lowered his boxers, leaving himself completely vulnerable.

Louis eyed Harry hungrily, wanting more than anything to feel all of Harry inside of him. Harry, despite being certain that he should feel more uncomfortable under Louis’ scrutiny, felt more aroused and showed it.

Realizing what was happening, Louis choked on his own saliva and Harry chuckled.

“Your turn,” spoke Harry, his voice more gravelly than usual. Louis looked at him questioningly.

“Come again?”

“It’s only fair that you strip down as well,” explained Harry, and Louis raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah? How’s that?”

“You got your show. And now,” growled Harry, standing up uneasily and supporting himself on Louis, “it’s time for mine.”

Louis let out a shaky breath and nodded. After insisting that Harry sit back on the toilet so that he would not exhaust himself, he shed himself of his own shirt. He tried to ignore Harry’s eyes that were feasting on him, soaking in every last bit of him.

“You’ve got tattoos,” Harry noted. Louis nodded. “I like that one.”

“The arrow?” Harry nodded. “Thanks. I figured… never mind, it’s stupid.”

“No, what is it?” asked Harry, genuinely curious. Louis flushed.

“I… I figured once I found the one they’d be the heart to my arrow. Lame, right?”

Harry simply smiled.

“I love it.” Louis smiled shakily before continuing what he had stopped doing moments ago.

After shedding himself of his trousers, he finally gained the courage to lower his boxers as well, letting them pool around his ankles. Harry soaked him in.

“You’re beautiful,” Harry whispered, his voice full of desire and maybe just a little…

No, Louis would not go there.

“Quit lying,” said Louis shamefully. “I’m nowhere near as toned as you are. Look at this.” He grabbed his tummy and Harry frowned, standing up unsteadily again.

“Stop it,” he insisted, grabbing Louis’ hands. “Don’t talk about yourself like that. You’re more than your stomach and you should be reminded every day about how beautiful you are.”

“So should you,” whispered Louis. “You deserve so much Haz, you've given me so much.”

“Yeah? What?” asked Harry disbelievingly.

“A sense of home.”

“You’d better stop all this sweet-talking Lou, or…” Harry trailed off, mentally smacking himself.

“Or what?” whispered Lou, bringing Harry’s hands up to his lips.

“Or you’ll make me fall madly and deeply in love with you.”

Louis stared up at the taller boy and Harry suddenly felt even more nervous and self-conscious than earlier.

“Who said that wasn’t the plan all along?”

Harry felt chills running down his spine, though they were not unpleasant in the slightest.

“Shall we?” Louis finally said, breaking the silence. He directed his gaze towards the bathtub. Harry nodded shakily.

Taking Harry’s hands in his own, Louis led the pair of them over and after turning on the water and getting in himself, he helped Harry do the same.

“How are we going to do this?” asked Harry.

“Like this.” Louis sat down, pulling Harry down with him, and pulled the boys back flush into his front, laughing when Harry let out a squeak.

“Relax,” soothed Louis. He massaged Harry’s tense shoulders and felt the boy moan. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on not getting a hard on while he was doing this.

“Where did you learn to massage so well?”

“Like you said, I know a thing or to,” said Louis cheekily, and Harry chuckled.

“That you do. Though I seem to recall that being a very different course of action.”

Think of wrinkly old grandmas, wrinkly old grandmas though Louis.

“Erm – Lou?”

“Yes?” Louis squeaked.

“Doesn’t one typically wash themselves when taking a bath?”

Louis froze.

“Y-Yeah, of course. Sorry.” He quickly grabbed a washcloth and after lathering it with soap, turned Harry around and began working his way across his chiseled chest. His eyes widened slightly.

“You have four nipples,” he stated, and Harry raised an eyebrow.

“I do,” Harry affirmed.

“How did I not notice this before now?”

“You usually had other things on your mind, I’m sure.”

Louis looked Harry in the eyes.

“Are you trying to make me hard, Haz?”

Harry smirked.

“Is it working?”

“Tremendously well.”

“Good,” Harry whispered, reaching forward to stroke Louis’ own chest. “Because I heard shower sex is one of the best types.” This time Louis’ eyes practically popped out of their sockets and rolled onto the floor. Harry burst out laughing.

“Relax Lou,” he choked, tears running down his face. “It was just a joke. Though,” he added, “I wouldn’t mind finding out one day.”

“That’s it,” grunted Louis. He tossed the washcloth out of the tub and in a moment of passion, pulled Harry flush against him once more and sent their lips crashing together.

Harry immediately responded to the kiss, moving his own lips in surprising sync with Louis’. Soon, their kissing became sloppy and needy but both refused to be the first to pull away for air.

“So beautiful,” Harry panted when they finally broke apart, his forehead against Louis’. “You know that right?”

“How could I forget? You keep reminding me.”

“Way to ruin the moment.”

Louis grinned.

“The moment is ours.” He brought their lips together again, using his tongue to lick Harry’s bottom one. Allowing entrance, Harry parted his lips and his tongue fought Louis’ for dominance.

As they continued to explore all of each other, one thought infiltrated Harry’s mind.

“Need you.”

Louis froze and looked at Harry.

“Not like this Haz,” he whispered, breaking apart. “I want our first time to be special, preceded by dinner with candles and all that cheesy romantic nonsense that you’ll always remember. I don’t want it to be just a meaningless hook-up.”

Harry’s eyes filled with joyful tears. The words Louis spoke were ones he had been afraid that he would never hear.

“Why are you crying babe?” asked Louis worriedly.

“I’m not upset,” sniffed Harry as Louis thumbed away the tears. “I’m just happy.”

Louis smiled sweetly, kissing away any remaining tears on his almost lover’s cheeks.

“And Lou?”

“Yes, love?”

“It could never be meaningless. It’d be with you.”


	9. Start of Something New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to give you an idea of when I originally posted this chapter -- it was the day of the first OTRA show. Anyone else care to join me in crying?

After the bath they shared together, Harry and Louis were closer than ever. Louis hardly left Harry’s side except when he had to run out for something but even that, he cut down to a minimum. Most days were just spent learning everything about each other, from their interests to their past experiences, and having heated make-out sessions that Louis always had to stop before they got carried away.

One thing that Harry learned very early on about Louis is that when the boy felt threatened or vulnerable, he developed a nasty temper. It did not rear its ugly head too often but when it did, it was terrifying. Thankfully, since they had unofficially gotten together, it had not been directed at Harry.

“And it never will,” said Louis when Harry voiced his concerns one day. “I promise you, Haz, I will never lay a hand on you again for as long as I live.”

“That’s a significant promise Lou.”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“I do,” he said, hastily. “But it’s just …”

“I’ve done it more than once,” sighed Louis. “That was before I knew you, babe. Before I fell for you.”

“The last time wasn’t,” mumbled Harry, and Louis felt his heart break at the vulnerable boy cuddled into his chest next to him.

“That was a mistake I will never repeat,” Louis swore. “Look at me, Haz.” He lifted Harry’s chin up with his fingers. “If I ever lay a hand on you again, my hand to God, I give you express permission to walk out on me and never turn back.”

“I’d never leave you, Lou.”

“That’s impermissible. No one should ever touch you in such a way, Hazza. Not me, not anyone.”

Harry nodded, his eyes heavy with fatigue.

“Go to sleep Haz,” whispered Louis, kissing the younger boy’s forehead.

Harry nodded cutely in his half-consciousness. Louis smiled at him fondly.

“Sweet dreams, love.” When he got no response, he assumed that Harry had fallen asleep until he got a very quiet:

“Always Lou. They’re about you.”

***

As the weeks passed, Harry could feel himself growing more restless. It was coming close to half a year since he had been outdoors and he missed it more than anything. For Heaven’s sake, he nearly missed two entire seasons. So, bracing himself for an argument, he approached the subject with Louis one morning.

“Morning Lou,” he said, his voice deeper and more gravelly than usual due to the fact that he just woke up. He emphasized it a bit because he knew Louis loved his morning voice.

“Morning Haz,” smiled Louis, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck and biting his lip.

Harry leaned in and captured the shorter boy’s lips in a gentle kiss. What was meant to be a soft, loving kiss quickly escalated and before Louis could register what was happening, he could feel Harry cupping his bum and lifting him onto the counter so that their height would be level.

Harry slipped in between Louis’ legs, which were straddling his hips and moaned at the contact, causing both boys to harden uncomfortably. Finally, Louis broke away from the kiss.

“If you greet me like that every morning I may never let you go,” he said teasingly, but both of them noticed the uncomfortable weight that the words held. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have –”

“I know what you meant,” dismissed Harry, still slightly out of breath. “No harm, no foul, eh?”

Louis nodded, smiling fondly at the other boy.

“Breakfast, love?” Harry nodded.

“You’re lucky,” said Louis, resuming what he had been doing before Harry had greeted him earlier. “Since I’ve been living alone I’ve actually gotten quite good at cooking.”

“That’s a relief,” laughed Harry. “I don’t think I would’ve been too appealing after five months of take-out.” Louis snickered.

“You’d be cute regardless.”

“What a charmer, I must be rubbing off on you.”

“Mhm.”

The pair of them fell into a comfortable silence. They often spent their time like this but neither one was particularly fussed about it. They just enjoyed each other’s company.

“Lou?” said Harry after several peaceful minutes.

“Yes?”

Deciding to not beat around the bush, Harry just came out and said what was on his mind.

“Do you think I could go out for a little bit.”

Louis dropped the spatula he was holding and Harry watched as it fell to the floor.

“What?” Louis whispered, and Harry swallowed.

“I-It’s just… I haven’t been out in nearly half a year and –”

“No,” said Louis coldly. Harry froze.

“Sorry?”

“Did I stutter?”

Harry’s lips formed a tight line. He crossed his arms defensively.

“Why not?” he pressed.

“Do I really have to answer that? People will recognize you, of course! You said it yourself, there are people out there looking for you!”

“Yeah, that’s what people who love other people that they’ve lost tend to do. But in case you were unaware, I’m not an idiot. I’m not planning on going outside drawing all sorts of attention to myself.”

“This is it, isn’t it?” said Louis, ignoring Harry. “I let you free and now you’re ready to run. I should have seen this coming.”

“Are you off your rocker or are you just plain idiotic?” Louis’ eyes flashed. “I already told you that I’m here to stay! Is it so unreasonable that I want to breathe fresh air again?”

“When it means I could lose you, yes!”

Harry’s anger faded slightly and his facial expression softened.

“You’re never going to lose me,” he promised. “I’m yours. Always.”

Louis bit his lip, feeling massively insecure as he focused on the toes of his trainers. Harry lifted his chin up with two fingers.

“Hey,” Harry said, softly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Louis nodded, letting out a sigh. Taking his nod as a sign of acceptance, Harry molded their lips together, kissing the feather-haired boy lovingly.

The kiss was not passionate, nor was it full of lust. It just showed how much the two boys meant to each other and how no matter what came their way, they would never let go or abandon the other.

***

After several days of deliberation, Louis finally gave into Harry’s pleads to go outside. On several conditions.

“I have to be there with you,” Louis said, sternly, “and it has to be in the back of the house. You can’t go wandering down any main roads or populated places lest you attract attention to yourself.”

“You don’t give me enough credit,” scoffed Harry, but he was grinning from ear-to-ear. Louis poked his dimple endearingly. “Hey!”

“You’re cute when you’re excited,” teased Louis, and Harry pouted adorably. Louis cooed at the younger boy who just huffed.

“But,” Louis continued, “you’re even sexier when you’re angry.”

“Am I now?” smirked Harry, playing with the hem of Louis’ shirt.

“You are,” confirmed Louis, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck. “Down-right delicious.” Harry’s eyes twinkled.

“I’ll have to let you taste me then,” he whispered, leaning forward to bite Louis’ earlobe. “Consider it a thank you for allowing me to go outside today.” He then pulled back and out of Louis’ arms, which fell limply to the older boy’s sides.

“Bloody tease,” Louis muttered, causing Harry to snicker.

“But would you have it any other way?”

“Never.”

***

“Ready?” Louis asked, holding his… well, he was not quite sure what Harry was to him at the moment. His Harry, he supposed. He was content with that title. Harry was his just as he was Harry’s Louis.

“Yeah,” said Harry. Although he was eager to step outside, he was also nervous. He wondered where exactly he was and how much had changed in the time he had been kept locked away in his room.

Louis sensed his hesitance.

“We don’t have to if you’re not ready…” Harry shook his head.

“No, I want to. It’s just… I’m nervous, you know? I haven’t been out in a while. What if everything’s different?”

“Like purple skies?” Harry frowned at him. “Hey, I’m just teasing.”

“I know,” sighed Harry. “I’m sorry, I suppose I’m just on edge and I’m taking it out on you. Sorry, love.”

“Don’t be,” replied Louis, standing on his tiptoes to kiss Harry’s cheek. The taller boy turned his head though, sensing what Louis was going to do, and captured Louis’ lips.

Louis squeaked in surprise, the feeling of Harry’s warm, soft lips welcoming on his own, and Harry smiled into the kiss. Sooner than they both would have preferred, they broke apart.

“That was unexpected,” said Louis bashfully.

“I’m full of surprises,” smirked Harry, winking playfully. Harry grinned when Louis flushed at the implication and grabbed his hand again. “Let’s go.”

Pushing open the door, the pair of them stepped outside and Harry’s mouth dropped in awe.

The reason why Harry never heard cars driving by was finally clear to him. They were on the edge of a forest, deep in the woods. He looked back at the cottage they just walked out of in amazement, the walls made of rich, dark mahogany and stone.

What shocked Harry the most though was the snow falling. There was already a significant layer coating the bare tree branches and the outskirts of the forest ground that did not have tree coverage. He walked forward, looking up as the snow continued to fall and caught a snowflake on his tongue. He could not believe how much time had gone by.

He blinked as a snowflake caught on his eyelash and he reached to brush it away when a hand reached up and grabbed his wrist. Spinning, he saw Louis standing there with concern written across his face. He kissed the snowflake off Harry’s eyelash, causing Harry’s eyelids to flutter closed. He then felt Louis kissing down his cheeks and finally realized why Louis looked concerned.

He had been crying.

“What’s wrong, love?” Louis whispered into his skin.

“Nothing,” said Harry honestly. “It’s just so beautiful.”

Louis pulled away, looking up at the curly-haired lad.

“Personally, I prefer my view over snowfall any day.”

Harry smiled shyly.

“I bet I’m not the first person you’ve used that line on.”

“No, you’re not,” Louis admitted. “But,” he continued when Harry looked down, “you’re the first person I’ve meant it on.”

***

They did not stay outside much longer after that given that neither boy was adequately dressed for the weather. Louis promised Harry more excursions in the future though and for Harry that was plenty so long as he was with Louis.

What neither boy knew though was that the pure winter snow was going to be dirtied before long.


	10. Rude Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: SELF-HARM

“I’ll be back in about an hour Haz, I’ve just got some grocery shopping to do,” called Louis from the den.

Harry walked out of the kitchen, a banana in his hand. Louis rolled his eyes.

“You’re going to turn into a monkey if you keep eating those.”

“I’d be a sexy monkey, though, right?” smirked Harry, and Louis chuckled.

“The sexiest,” Louis confirmed, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck. Harry removed them though. “What are you –?”

Louis’ remaining words died in his throat though as he watched Harry slowly peel back his banana peel. Never breaking eye contact with Louis, he thrust the banana into his mouth. Louis could feel himself hardening in his trousers and swallowed thickly.

“I – I don't think that’s how you’re meant to eat a banana,” Louis stuttered.

Harry looked at him innocently.

“How do you mean, Lou?” he asked before deep throating most of the fruit. Louis moaned. “Are you feeling aroused, Lou?”

“I – I – I’ve got to run. Be back later love.” Louis quickly pecked him on the lips and without another word, ran out the door. Harry grinned, finishing his banana normally before licking his lips in satisfaction.

“Score one for Styles.”

***

Harry hated the time he spent alone in the house when Louis was off running errands. It was during those times that he felt more like a prisoner than any other. Normally to pass the time he would read one of the countless books Louis had or would spend time writing but now, he was not in the mood for either activity.

Deciding he ought to explore the house he had grown accustomed to over the past months, he wandered around looking through the rooms. He did not find anything exceptionally interesting in his wanderings, until it occurred to him…

He had never seen Louis’ room in his entire time being here with him.

Harry knew where the room was, of course. For whatever reason though, he had never stepped foot in it and also, Louis had never invited him inside of it. Whenever they would cuddle, they would do so on either Harry’s bed or the sofa, which up until now, Harry had not found suspicious.

What was Louis hiding?

Walking to the room at the end of the corridor, Harry stared at the closed door. Uncertain as to whether he should go into the older boy’s room, given that he was entitled to his privacy, he did not move immediately. An unwanted thought occupied his thoughts suddenly.

Louis stripped you of any privacy you once had. It’s only right that you should do the same to him.

Harry bore no ill will against Louis but he could not help but agree with the voice in his head. He deserved to know this part of Louis’ life given that there was no aspect of his own that Louis was unaware of. Talking himself into it, he turned the doorknob and to his relief and slight fear, the door opened easily. No backing out now.

He took several cautious steps inside the room. Looking around, he smiled slightly at the sight. The room was an utter mess, not that Harry was surprised. Despite being able to live on his own, Louis was an utter slob when it came to keeping his belongings organized. Harry had grown quite fond of Louis’ nature though so he did not mind cleaning up after the boy. He stopped himself from doing so in here; however, lest Louis discovered that he had entered the room without express permission.

Keeping secrets already, are we? Sneered the voice in Harry’s head. What a healthy relationship.

“We’re not in a relationship,” spoke Harry aloud, somewhat angrily. He knew a large part of him wanted that to be not the case but he had no clue how to broach the topic with Louis. After all, Harry still was not quite convinced that Louis was interested in being with him for the long run.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he continued to look around the room. Louis’ bed sheets were haphazardly splayed across the bed, along with several pillows. The walls bore picture frames of the people Harry assumed to be Louis’ family. In the photos he saw three blonde girls and two brunettes, one significantly older than the others. Harry realized that this must be Louis’ mum and marveled at the resemblance they bore to one another.

As his eyes continued to drift around the room, he was prepared to leave when his eyes fell on something and he froze. He now had an inkling as to why Louis had never invited him into his room before.

He had a television.

Quickly lunging for the remote, he turned the television on and went straight to the news. Not sure what he expected to see, he was alarmed when he saw his mother’s crying face in one frame, speaking to what appeared to be talk show hosts.

“ – Been gone for nearly a year and still no sign of him?” asked the one co-host sympathetically.

“N – No,” Anne sniffled, her eyes filling with fresh tears. “We continue to look every day for him but we haven’t found him or anyone who has seen him. We’re not giving up hope though, our family has been supported so well by those surrounding us.”

“You’ve started a campaign, is that correct?”

Anne nodded.

“It’s entitled ‘Bring Harry Home,’” she explained. “Thanks to family, friends, and generous strangers we have raised over ten thousand pounds that will help go to the investigation.” Harry’s eyes widened. “Thank you so much to everyone who has donated.”

“That’s about all the time we have Anne, but before we go, if Harry is watching this right now, is there anything that you’d like him to know?”

Anne looked directly into the camera, wiping the corner of her eyes with her thumbs.

“If you’re watching this Harry, please know that we love you and miss you terribly and want more than anything to have you in our arms again. Please sweetheart, your family and friends are devastated and we’ll find you soon.”

“Thank you, Anne,” said both interviewers softly.

The screen faded to black, a photo soon after appearing of Harry with the information to contact if anyone has any information on his whereabouts.

Harry felt numb. They were still looking for him. While he was here, living his cozy little life with Louis, he still had family and friends and even complete strangers donating their money and time to help search for him. He was a selfish bastard.

Turning off the television and exiting the room, not bothering to close the door behind him like he knew he should, he stumbled into the bathroom. Although his mind was fuzzy, his self-conscious knew exactly what he was looking for. Finally finding one of Louis’ razors, he grabbed it shakily and without hesitation, pressed down on his left forearm and dragged it downwards towards the backside of his elbow.

He bit his lip, watching as he drew blood, to prevent himself from screaming out in pain. He tasted the metallic substance from his now split lip, laughing humorlessly as he watched more red liquid pour down his arm. The pain, though excruciating, was starting to fade into something else. Power. Power that he had not felt in quite some time.

He repeated the actions several times. Eventually though, he began running out of room on his arms and decided that he ought to just cut his losses and end it now. He could feel the tremors slowly taking over him as he lifted his bleeding arm to his neck. He was acutely aware of the sobs wracking his body, making it harder for him to keep the razor steady. Due to the steadily increasing volume of his sobs, he almost missed one that did not belong to him.

He spun around, nearly losing his balance in the process due to surprise and the loss of blood, when a pair of arms steadied him. He stood face-to-face with a distressed Louis.

“Haz …” Louis breathed. That was the last thing Harry heard before he blacked out, sheer exhaustion and distress finally overcoming him.


	11. The Aftermath

Harry began stirring and the first thing he was aware of was how much pain he was in. He let out a strangled cry and began thrashing around, as if trying to escape the pain. He felt a pair of delicate hands trying to hold him down but he knew he was stronger than the hands. Eventually though, his fight to escape turned into sobs that wracked his entire body, threatening to undo him. He felt the arms wrap around him and a soothing voice whispering that it would be okay.

“Mum!” he sobbed, his voice cracking. He felt the arms tense around his body but paid them no mind. He was only focusing on one thing. “Mum, I’m sorry!”

“Haz, shhh,” whispered the voice again. “H-Haz, it’s going to be OK …”

“NO IT ISN’T!” Harry screamed, pulling back. He glared at Louis who looked alarmed by the sudden outburst. “Nothing is going to be okay. My mum is out there distraught, thinking that I’ve run off and I’m here living my life as though nothing is wrong.”

“I thought … I thought you were happy,” said Louis, his voice faltering.

Harry deflated, covering his face with his hands.

“I thought I was too,” whispered Harry, more to himself than Louis. “I was happy, Lou But then …” He froze, realizing what he was about to admit to the other boy.

“You watched the telly,” finished Louis.

Harry peeked through his fingers at the feathery-haired boy. To his relief, he did not look angry. No, it was worse than that, Harry realized as his heart sunk. He looked disappointed and distraught.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Louis cut him off. “But I understand why you did.”

The two of them fell into silence. It was not a comfortable silence like they were used to but full of tension as they tried to ignore the elephant in the room that they wanted more than anything to avoid. Well, two elephants.

“I thought I had lost you, Haz,” choked out Louis, breaking the silence suddenly. Harry’s head snapped up. “When I walked in and saw … saw you … I thought …”

“Shhh,” whispered Harry, pulling Louis into him. This time, he comforted the older boy as sobs consumed him. Harry could feel several tears escape his eyes as well.

“Why’d you do it, Haz?” asked Louis, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “Why would you do that?”

“I couldn’t stand to see her cry,” replied Harry dully. “It was the only solution.”

“You should have spoken to me! We could have talked it out –”

“That’s a load of bull, Louis and you know it,” snapped Harry, pulling away from the boy. “If you’re going to try and convince me that we could have talked this out and have come to an agreement then I know that you’re lying to me.”

Louis was silent, tears still racing down his cheeks to Harry’s dismay. The latter reached out, thumbing some of them away even though they only appeared fresh moments later. Louis reached up and grabbed Harry’s wrist gently so he would not hurt him. He closed his eyes and the pair of them stayed like that for quite some time.

“How long have I been out of it?”

“About a day.” Harry’s eyes widened. “I gave you some painkillers as well so they probably helped you sleep a bit as well. You needed it, Hazza.”

Harry nodded, warming slightly at the nickname of his nickname. Never would he let someone other than Louis call him something so ridiculous. On Louis’ lips it sounded so right though.

“How long do I need to keep these on?” murmured Harry, looking down at his bandaged arms. He looked like he had been thrown into a woodchopper.

Louis frowned.

“They need to be changed periodically so I can apply cream to the… to the…”

“To the scars,” said Harry bluntly, and Louis flinched. “Great. When’s the next time they need to be dressed?”

Louis swallowed.

“Well, erm – that’s actually what I was going to do just before you woke up.”

Harry sighed and reached out, about to take off the bandages when Louis’ hand grabbed his own.

“What?” asked Harry harshly. Louis flinched and Harry immediately felt bad. “I’m sorry Lou.” Louis just shook his head as if it was nothing, not quite making eye contact with Harry.

“I thought I’d just help you…”

“If you don’t mind… I’d rather do it alone.” He refused to look Louis in the eyes as he said this but when he felt the loss of the dip and heard the door close, he knew that he was in fact alone again.

Reaching over for the cream, he placed it next to his leg and nervously began undressing his arm. He was unsure what he expected but he certainly was not ready for the sight that met him.

Harry let out a strangled sob, staring at the fresh scars on both of his forearms. They were pronounced and an angry red. Although they were no longer bleeding, he felt like he could still feel the blood running down his arms.

In one swift motion, he took the bottle of cream and launched it across the room, watching it shatter against the wall. He began crying again, his arms throbbing in pain at the sudden activity.

Reaching for a piece of shattered glass that was now laying on the floor, he picked it up and stared at it. Now that he had gotten a taste of the power and control he had been deprived of for months, he felt as though nothing else could satiate the pain.

So wrapped up in his thoughts, he did not realize the door had opened and that the sad boy had returned, having heard the noise from the other room. Suddenly, a pair of knees were next to him on the ground.

When did he get on the floor?

Harry then realized that he was curled in a fetal position, holding the shard of glass, rocking back and forth. He felt the glass being taken from him and despite his protests, the remaining mess being cleaned up.

“I need it…” he croaked, his eyes filling with fresh tears once more. “Lou, I need it so bad…”

“I know, Haz,” the other boy whispered, laying down next to him once the mess was cleared and pulling Harry into his arms. “But I need you alive and well.”

“I’m ugly Louis,” spat Harry, pulling away and shoving his arm in Louis’ face. “You have no reason to want me.”

Louis’ face contorted with anger.

“Don’t say that Harry, don’t you ever say that,” he said, his voice dropping an octave, causing Harry to shiver.

“But it’s –” Louis cut him off by putting a finger to his lips and looked seriously into the boy’s green eyes.

“It’s not true and it’s never going to be true. I care for you so much Haz, it physically hurts, and nothing that you could do could ever change that. Your scars…” Both boys flinched slightly at the word. “Your scars don’t define you.”

“Are you trying to say they’re beautiful?” sneered Harry, and Louis shook his head.

“Far from it,” he said, watching as Harry’s head drooped. “Hey, look at me.” He lifted Harry’s head back up by playing two fingers under the latter’s chin.

“You listen to me, Haz. Your scars are not beautiful and I refuse to glorify what you have done or what led you to do it. That isn’t any healthier than you doing the action alone. No, your scars are not beautiful, they’re a terrible thing. But you. You’re beautiful inside and out and no amount of scars could ever devalue your beauty or make me see you in any other way.”

By this point, both boys were crying profusely. Harry because despite the immense pain he was in both physically and emotionally, he had Louis here to make him strong and Louis, because even though he had almost lost Harry, he knew that he would do everything in his power to love and care for the boy, even if it meant losing him to the life he deserved in the long run.

“I need you, Lou,” whispered Harry.

“You have me, Haz.”

“You know what I meant.”

Louis had an intake of breath.

“I can’t Haz. No, don’t look at me like that, it’s not because of you or because I’m not attracted to you. You know I am, but you’re vulnerable and you want something that given the circumstances would involve me taking advantage of you.”

“But I’m consen –” Louis shook his head.

“It’s wrong Haz. I can’t do that to you in good conscious knowing how much it would devalue it. I want our first time to be special Haz, and I don’t want it to be because you feel like it’s the only way to show my love for you.”

“I didn’t –” Harry froze though when he realized what Louis had said and Louis gulped at the implications of his words.

“Let’s get some rest, Haz, it’s been a long couple of days.” As if on cue, Harry yawned, his face scrunching up cutely. Louis smiled slightly.

As Harry laid down on the bed again, he watched with heavy-lidded eyes as Louis cleaned and redressed his scars. Louis took special care while applying a new jar of cream to each scar and when it was all said and done, he cuddled in next to Harry.

“G’night Lou,” murmured Harry, nearly asleep.

“Goodnight Haz.” Harry was practically asleep so he was not sure if he heard the following three words or if he dreamt them. “I love you.”


	12. Unspoken Words

The next time Harry woke up, he rolled over and immediately whimpered. The body heat of the one he wanted most to be beside him was gone and without warning, he felt his eyes fill up with tears again.

He had cried more in the past few days than he had in months.

“Haz, babe, what’s wrong?” asked Louis, rushing over to him.

Harry sniffed, rubbing his eyes gingerly so that he would not aggravate his arms.

“Missed you,” he mumbled, looking down at the sheets.

“Hey,” said Louis, lifting Harry’s chin with his fingers so that their eyes could meet. He was left momentarily breathless by how stunning the green in Harry’s eyes were when they were dewy. “I’ll always be by your side.”

“Always?” said Harry skeptically.

“Always,” Louis confirmed. “Next to you is where I belong.”

Harry smiled weakly, pulling Louis in for a chaste kiss. The kiss remained gentle and loving rather than transforming into passionate but both boys were perfectly content. Right now, more than anything, they just wanted to show the other how important he was to him.

“You know,” Louis mumbled against Harry’s lips. “If you’re feeling up to it, we could take a shower…”

“I thought you’d never ask,” said Harry, smiling slightly into Louis’ lips.

In a flash, both boys were on their feet moving towards the bathroom that was attached to Louis’ room. As they moved, their kisses became more aggressive and needy, the desire to touch every part of the other’s body increasing tremendously.

“Too much clothing,” muttered Harry into Louis’ lips.

“Take them off for me?” whispered Louis, nipping Harry's lip.

“As you wish.”

In one swift movement, Louis’ shirt was facedown on the floor alongside his discarded trousers. All he was left standing in now were his boxers. Harry stared at the older boy hungrily.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, kissing Louis’ neck and eliciting a moan from him. “So, so beautiful.” He continued to work down Louis’ body until he reached the elastic of his boxers. He looked up at Louis for permission and when the latter nodded faintly, took the elastic in his teeth and pulled it down.

Now that he was entirely bare for Harry to admire, he could no longer hide his throbbing member. Harry smirked, which caused Louis to blush a bright red.

“Looks like someone’s excited.”

“Harry,” Louis warned, and Harry nodded solemnly.

“I know, time and place.” He captured Louis’ lips again, marveling at the sweet taste of them and wondering how he had been denied this pleasure his entire life.

Louis just felt so right.

Before he was aware of it, Harry’s own clothes were lying in a pool around his ankles and he was pulled flush against Louis. Both boys let out moans as their lengths created friction with each other.

“Shower?” Louis said, breathlessly. Harry nodded eagerly.

Without further ado, they both turned the water and hopped in.

For several moments, they simply stood there in each others’ arms. As they stared into the other’s eyes, Louis could not help but marvel how gorgeous Harry was with his hair hanging wet over his eyes.

“You’re perfect,” sighed Louis, wiping the curls away from Harry’s eyes so that he could see them clear.

“Far from it, love.” Louis noticed the boy’s eyes drift down to his arms. He brought Harry’s attention back up.

“Hey,” whispered Louis. “You’re perfect to me.”

Feeling a rush consume him suddenly, Harry crashed their lips together. He pulled Louis as close as possible, squeezing the tattooed boy’s bum because he knew how much it turned Louis on. Louis moaned, biting Harry’s lip hard and receiving the same reaction from the latter.

Gradually, their kissing got slower and they just focused on each other and nothing else. Not the shower water that was getting cold, just how much they needed to be with the other. Harry suddenly got down on his knees.

“May I, Lou?”

“Harry –”

“Please?” Harry all but begged. “I want this, Lou. Let me pleasure you.”

Louis bit his lip at Harry’s words, trying to prevent another moan from escaping but to no avail. He nodded hesitantly and Harry grinned.

Though he was nervous having never done this before, he summoned all of the courage he had and began teasing the area around Louis’ length. He left a trail of hot kisses, occasionally stopping to suck hard enough in some areas to leave his mark. Louis was his and no one else’s and he wanted the boy who was quickly unraveling to remember that fact.

“Stop teasing, Haz,” moaned Louis, his head back. Harry looked up and could see the veins popping out of his neck from strain. He smirked.

“What do you mean?” he asked, innocently. Using his tongue as his greatest weapon, he began licking Louis’ head mockingly.

Suddenly, Harry felt Louis’ hand travel to his hair and grip his soaking wet curls. The standing boy began tugging, causing Harry to moan into Louis’ throbbing member.

“Do it,” growled Louis.

Harry did not have to be told twice. Without hesitation, he took Louis full in his mouth and began bobbing up and down.

“Sh-Shite, HARRY!”

The sound of his name on Louis’ lips and knowing that he was causing the boy to come undone was enough to cause Harry to start leaking. He was in shock. He had never actually pre-came without some type of physical motivation. The effect Louis had on his body was insane.

Harry continued to suck him off, hollowing his cheeks and humming and doing everything in his power to further unravel Louis.

“H-Haz, I’m close.”

“Come for me, babe.”

Those words sent Louis spiraling over the edge. He thrust forward, causing Harry to gag slightly. Nonetheless, Harry swallowed all of it, looking Louis dead in the eyes as he wiped the excess off of his lips. He felt himself being lifted up by a dazed Louis who was staring at him lustfully and perhaps… lovingly?

“H-Haz,” whispered Louis.

“Yes, Lou?” said Harry breathlessly.

At the last moment, Louis chickened out of saying the words that he was about to utter and covered himself with a smirk.

“Your turn.”

Harry smiled wickedly but as Louis got down on his knees to reciprocate his earlier actions, Harry could not hide his disappointment much longer. For a moment he had thought…

No, it was only in his head.

***

Harry and Louis were laying on the former’s bed, legs entwined wearing nothing but boxers briefs. However, only Louis was asleep. Harry, on the other hand, had the smaller boy cuddled in his arms and was gently stroking his hair. It was moments like these that Harry loved but right now he was having trouble appreciating it.

His mind was overwhelmed. It had been several weeks since Louis had come home and found him bleeding in the bathroom and since then, Louis had hardly left his side. Despite Harry’s feelings for the boy, he was starting to feel suffocated and wanted nothing more than some time to himself. He knew Louis would not hear of it though, especially if Harry suggested some time outside on his own.

But that was why Harry had slipped something in Louis’ tea earlier to make him drowsy.

He felt guilty about it without question. He was even considering abandoning his plan and just waiting it out until Louis woke up lest he risk Louis discovering what he had done. But the urge to get some fresh air was too great and the alternative… well, Harry just had to look at his arms to figure out what he would do if he stayed here any longer.

Gradually, he removed his arms from around Louis and slipped out of bed. He froze when he heard a low whimper. Slowly turning around, he saw Louis face down on his pillow. He breathed a sigh of relief. He only shifted because he missed Harry. Knowing this only made Harry feel more guilty for betraying Louis’ trust like he was, but he pushed the thought to the back of his mind.

Quickly throwing on any clothes he could find, he left the room. He was clad in a large overcoat, a beanie with his hair tucked all the way up in it, and a pair of Ray Bands. He even opted for putting on some of Louis’ clothes because he knew that anything he would wear normally could be an indicator to who he really was. Or maybe he was just being extremely paranoid.

“I’ll be back, Lou,” he whispered, staring sadly at the sleeping boy.

Louis simply smiled in his sleep, rolling back over so Harry took his exit.

***

What Louis was unaware of was that during the past couple of weeks, Harry had been doing his research. He found out exactly where Louis lived and its relation to his home. Turns out he was only about an hour outside of Holmes Chapel, which surprised Harry given the cottage’s remoteness. He decided against visiting his hometown though, knowing that the odds of him being spotted were too great.

So instead he went into London, his thought being that it would be tremendously difficult to draw attention to yourself in such an overpopulated city.

Deciding that he just wanted to walk around with the benefit of being unrecognized, he simply strolled through the streets. He had no set place in mind to visit, he just wanted to soak in the city because he had no clue when the next time he would be able to escape would be.

Escape the voice in his head mocked. You’re out. Why are you even considering going back?

Because I – I need Louis.

He needs you insisted the voice that Harry was certain did not belong to him. Get out now while you can. You know that you can’t stay with him forever.

Who says?

He was saved from having to listen to the continued conflict in his head by a sudden collision with a stranger on the street. Nearly losing his glasses upon impact, he quickly straightened them out as a pair of hands steadied him.

“Sorreh mate, didn’t see ye there.”

Harry froze on the spot. He knew that Irish drawl.

He looked up and his eyes widened behind his glasses when he realized that his best friend Niall Horan was standing in front of him.

“You OK?” asked the blond boy, concerned. “You’re not hurt, are ye?”

Harry shook his head quickly. Then after receiving an odd look from Niall, put on his best American accent.

“Fine, no worries.” Niall broke out in a grin.

“You’re from the States! Welcome to London,” he said, clapping Harry on the shoulder. “Hope you enjoy your time here.”

Harry smiled weakly and was about to walk away when he felt a sudden hand on his shoulder. He tensed, his heart rate increasing tremendously.

“Listen mate,” said Niall softly, “I know you’re not from around here but would you mind keeping a look out for this lad and let the police know if you spot him?”

Harry tried not to sweat as he looked at a photo of himself in Niall’s hand.

“S-Sure,” he stuttered. Niall smiled at him again.

“Thanks mate. Have a good one.” The Irish lad then walked off, leaving Harry standing in the middle of the crowded street alone.

***

Harry lost track of the time he had been away from Louis and cursed himself. The boy had most definitely woken from the drug Harry had put in his tea and would be frantic over where Harry had gone.

Idiot.

He arrived home much later than he had intended, the sky already pitch black. Now that he was back by the cottage and out of the city, he could see the stars lighting up the night. He swallowed thickly.

Not good.

Finally reaching the back door that led to the kitchen, Harry opened it as quietly as possible, hoping that Louis was, by some miracle, still asleep. The kitchen, upon first inspection, was empty and pitch black.

Harry let out a sigh of relief. Thinking that he was in the clear, he began walking towards the stairs when he felt a hand grip his wrist tightly. He closed his eyes in fear and turned around slowly.

“Welcome home.”


	13. Consequences

“Welcome home.”

Harry was speechless, any hope that he would get off without Louis noticing having dissipated moments before. He stared into the emotionless eyes of the petite boy.

“ _Well_?” said Louis, his voice laced with venom though his face betrayed no emotion. “Are you going to say anything or are you just going to stand there with a vacant expression on your face?”

“I – I –”

“You  _what_?” hissed Louis, his grip on Harry’s wrist painfully tight. “You thought it’d be clever to knock me out and then go on a little adventure? Is that it?”

“N-No, I just needed some fresh air …”

“ _For five hours_?”

Harry could feel his wrist throbbing from how tight Louis was holding it. It was as if Louis was his anchor, acting as his moor to the kitchen linoleum.

“I lost track of time. I’m sorry Lou…”

“ _Don’t_ ,” said Louis, dropping Harry’s wrist suddenly. His eyes flashed with betrayal and anger. “I  _trusted_  you, Harry. I trusted that you wouldn’t leave me and you went and did exactly that!”

“I didn’t leave you! I came back! I said that I would always come back!”

“No, you said that you would never  _leave_. There’s a difference!”

Harry exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose for patience. Louis continued though.

“Do you know how that  _looked_?” he snarled. “I woke up expecting to see my – you next to me and nothing. Just empty sheets. I figured you must’ve gone to shower. Nothing. I trusted you when you said you would follow my rules and not go anywhere without me and especially not leave the grounds. I thought the worst and I was proven right. I can’t trust you. Hell, I can hardly  _look_  at you.”

While those words pierced through Harry, they also sparked the anger he needed to retaliate. He slammed his hand down on the kitchen table, stunning Louis into silence.

“ _I needed an escape dammit_ ,” he snapped. “Not a permanent one, but some solitude. For goodness sake, you haven’t left my side in over a  _month_. I haven’t been out of this house in nearly a  _year_. Do you know what that does to a person’s head?”

Louis opened his mouth to respond but Harry successfully cut him off.

“No, you  _don’t_. You only think about you and your selfish needs. You don’t care about me, Louis. All I am is someone to keep you company when you’re lonely and someone to get you off when you’re horny.”

Louis’ eyes flashed and he swung back, ready to make contact with Harry’s face. Harry froze, waiting for the impact when instead Louis changed course and made contact with the wall. There was a sickening crunch as the wall indented and Louis’ hand made impact.

Louis gritted his teeth and took a deep breath, only registering what he had done when he suddenly heard a whimper. He turned and found Harry under the table, his knees brought up to his forehead and his face hiding from Louis. Suddenly, all the anger that the betrayed boy felt disappeared and was replaced by a wave of nausea and repulsion with himself. How could he do this to Harry again?

He crouched down next to him, reaching out to hold the boy, but Harry squirmed back in fear. Louis’ eyes filled with tears of pain, both from his hand and his broken heart.

“I won’t hurt you, Haz. I promised that I’d never hurt you.”

“You almost did,” sniffled Harry.

“I know. And that’s unforgivable.”

“You hurt  _yourself_ , Lou.”

Louis looked at his bruised and bloodied knuckles solemnly.

“I can live with that. You; however, I could never live with hurting. Come here.” He opened his arms, waiting patiently and eventually he felt Harry occupying the space between them again. He felt the emptiness that he had felt all day when he thought Harry had left him fill up again and he sighed into the younger boy’s hair. He kissed Harry’s temple.

“I’m sorry for losing my temper,” Louis murmured into Harry’s hair. “I should’ve known that you would keep your promise and never truly leave me. I’m sorry.”

Harry shook his head, burying his face deeper into the crook of Louis’ neck. He felt bad for soaking Louis’ neck and shirt but as the other boy made no move to remove him, Harry figured that it was okay.

“I – I’m sorry,” sobbed Harry. “I just felt so trapped. I love being with you, Lou but I felt so suffocated and the alternative… I…”

“Shhh,” whispered Louis, stroking Harry’s hair. “I know Haz, I know. We’ll work this out together. I went about this all the wrong way.”

“I shouldn’t have drugged you.” Louis frowned.

“No, you shouldn’t have. But on the bright side, I haven’t slept so well in ages.” Harry did not laugh. “Too soon, eh? I suppose so.” Louis stood up, extending a hand so that Harry could do the same. “Bed?”

“Sounds lovely,” said Harry quietly, taking Louis’ hand. He marveled at how well it fit in his own. It was as though Louis’ hand was made just for him.

A little while later when both boys were lying in bed, Louis entwined their fingers and turned to face the curly-haired lad. Harry raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“You have to promise me something, Harry.”

Harry was taken aback by the use of his real name.

“I already promised I’d never leave you…”

“No, not that,” sighed Louis. “Promise me… please, Harry, promise me that if I ever hurt you or make you feel unsafe in any way that you’ll leave. Please, Haz. Promise me that.”

“Lou…”

“No!” cried Louis, tightening his grip on Harry’s hand, though not painfully. “You have to promise me, love. If I can’t keep you safe and happy then I don’t deserve you.  _Please_ …”

“Okay,” murmured Harry. “I promise.”

Louis raised their entwined hands and kissed Harry’s knuckles.

“I am truly glad that you came back Haz,” Louis said eventually.

“There’s no place I’d rather be, Lou.”

Though no words were spoken after those by Harry, both boys stayed awake for some time longer contemplating them, for they both knew that they were not entirely true.

***

There was a significant shift in Harry and Louis’ relationship following the event of Harry’s escape and return. For starters, Harry was given more freedom and allowed outside of the house more often than before. Also, whenever he felt trapped inside his own head he would go straight to Louis and the two of them would talk it out to avoid confrontations like that night in the kitchen.

Louis also worked to try and get his temper in check. After that night, Harry was initially withdrawn from Louis and it took time for the older boy to regain Harry’s trust. He did it in small ways like always being there to talk when Harry needed it or being there to hold him when he had a nightmare of harming himself again. One particular night was the turning point in their relationship.

_-Nightmare Flashback-_

_Harry was making himself a sandwich when he heard it. He heard his mum’s angry voice on the telly. Slowly, he walked to Louis’ room to see that the telly was on and it was the same station that he had seen her on previously. Only this time she was not crying… she was incensed._

_“We’re finished looking for you, Harry Edward Styles,” his mother yelled at him through the television. “We looked high and low for you but clearly you’ve given up on your friends and family. You’re a selfish boy and no son of mine!”_

_“No… mum…_ please _,” begged Harry even though she could not hear him._

 _“I hope you never come home,” she sneered. “I hope you never show your face in Holmes Chapel again because we have_ moved on _. You hear me? We’re_ done _searching for you!”_

_“Mum, please,” sobbed Harry. “It’s not my fault, I miss you! Don’t do this… I love you…” He dug his nails into his palms, drawing blood but he did not care._

_“You’re no son of mine… no son of mine… I hope you never_ wake up!”

_Wait, what?_

_“Wake up!”_

_“No …”_

_“Haz, wake up! It’s a nightmare!”_

_“No …”_

_-End Nightmare-_

_“Haz, it’s me, darling,” whispered Louis. “Please sweetheart, wake up!”_

_Harry’s eyes opened gradually, his lids heavy from crying and from sleep. Without warning he launched himself into Louis’ arms and the other boy held him as Harry sobbed into his chest._

_“She hates me, Lou. She h-hates me…”_

_“No one hates you, Haz. It’s not possible.”_

_“S-She does. My mum does. She s-said so…”_

_“It was just a nightmare, Haz. I promise, your mum could never hate you. Look at me.” Harry shook his head violently, his face still buried in Louis’ chest. “Hey, please look at me. I need to see your beautiful eyes.”_

_It took Harry several minutes but finally he met Louis’ crystal blue eyes with his own mossy green ones. Louis’ heart ached as he saw that they were not as bright as usual._

_“Maybe it’s time for you to go home Harry,” he sighed, breaking eye contact but not without seeing Harry shake his head._

_“No! No, don’t make me leave you!”_

_“I’d never make you do anything you don’t want to, Harry. But it’s clear you need your family and obviously your family needs you…”_

_“I couldn’t live without you, Lou. Like you said… it was just a dream, right?”_

_“Harry, we both know that on some level you’re not happy here,” said Louis sadly. “I don’t want you to resent me any more than you already do.”_

_“Hey,” said Harry sternly, fixing Louis with a glare. “I don't resent you for anything.”_

_“I took you away from your family …”_

_“I_ stayed _,” insisted Harry. “I had my chance to leave and I didn't take it. I couldn’t take it. I miss them like hell Louis but no where near as much as I would miss you. You’ve got to believe me.”_

_“I do,” said Louis softly, tugging at Harry’s curls and smiling as the boy closed his eyes. “Don’t get horny on me now, Styles.”_

_“No promises, Tomlinson.”_

_-End Flashback-_

Harry almost admitted to Louis that he loved him that day. The moment seemed right when he was trying to explain how he had his chance to leave but could not leave Louis. He loved the boy so much… so much that he had been trying to deny it for far too long. But there was no more denying it in his mind.

He was completely gone for Louis William Tomlinson.


	14. For the First Time

Things did not change as much as Harry expected them to after he finally admitted to himself that he was in love with Louis. He still felt the same towards the boy and he still acted the same towards him. He supposed that the biggest change was that now Louis was all that he could and wanted to think about and his heart seemingly missed a beat when Louis walked into the room.

So perhaps a couple things had changed.

He did not see any change in Louis’ behavior though so he could only assume that the feelings were not reciprocated and that saddened his mood significantly. Whenever Louis tried to ask what was wrong though, Harry would smile insincerely despite Louis seeing right through it and would say that he was fine. To say that Louis was concerned would be an understatement.

And to also say that Harry was surprised when he entered the kitchen one evening would be an even larger understatement.

“What’s all this?” Harry said, smiling cutely.

Louis looked at the younger boy fondly, admiring how Harry’s eyes sparkled and his dimple popped when he was happy. He loved when Harry’s dimple appeared and never wanted it to disappear.

“I thought … well, we never actually … have dinner with me, Haz?” Louis stammered, cursing as he tripped over his words. Harry just smiled innocently.

“I’d love to Lou.”

Louis pulled the chair out for Harry, smiling to himself that he had found such a wonderful boy to call his own.

 _Though he’s not really yours yet_  said the voice in Louis’ head.  _You’ve never defined the relationship_.

Shut up.

“You OK, Lou?” asked Harry concerned.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You seemed a little … distracted.”

“You just have that effect on me,” replied Louis, winking at Harry. Harry blushed.

“Lou, this is delicious,” said Harry, his green eyes meeting Louis’ blue ones. Now it was Louis’ turn to blush.

“You don’t have to –”

“I’m serious!” Harry insisted, reaching to grab Louis’ hand from across the table. “I love it, Lou.”

Harry was not sure if it was just him feeling it, but he was certain that there was a certain electricity in the kitchen tonight. He looked down at their entwined hands, breaking eye contact with Louis only for a moment, and when he looked back up he saw something unfamiliar in Louis’ eyes that he could not quite pinpoint.

“What is it, Lou?” he asked, quietly. At first Louis did not say anything and only broke out of his reverie when Harry squeezed his fingers gently.

“Would you like to make love tonight, Haz?”

Harry’s fork dropped with a clatter onto his plate and he stared at Louis, his eyes as wide as saucers. Louis immediately flushed and started tripping over his words again.

“I-I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have – you don’t have to –”

Harry cut him off by leaning across the table, pulling Louis by the front of his shirt, and crashing their lips together. He bit down hard on Louis’ bottom lip, causing the other boy to gasp in surprise, giving Harry’s tongue the access he desired.

It was several minutes before either boy broke for air and when they did, Harry spoke the words that would forever be imprinted in Louis’ mind.

“Make love to me, Lou.”

***

As they left their dinner unfinished and forgotten on the kitchen table, both boys began undressing each other on their way to Louis’ bedroom. When reflecting on their night later, neither boy would be too certain how they actually managed to make it to the bedroom when they hardly came up for air.

“Lou,” gasped Harry, as Louis was busy working on his belt. He watched as the older boy fumbled and grabbed his hands gently. “Relax babe, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I just… I need you so bad.” The words sent the blood rushing South in Harry and Louis noticed with a smirk. “Glad I’m not the only one.”

“Shove it,” growled Harry, attacking Louis’ lips with his own again once his belt was undone.

Before either was fully aware of what had happened, they were left completely bare and vulnerable to each other. They took a moment, fully soaking each other in.

“So beautiful,” Harry whispered, stroking Louis’ numerous tattoos. “So, so beautiful.”

Silently, Louis took Harry’s forearms and kissed each of the faded pink scars. The gesture brought tears to Harry’s eyes, tears that the older boy could feel when one dropped onto his forehead. He looked up into Harry’s pained eyes and thumbed the tears away.

“You’re everything to me,” said Louis softly. “Nothing will ever change that.”

“You can’t know that, Lou…”

“ _Nothing_ ,” Louis asserted. “You’re my everything, Harry. My forever and always.”

Harry brought their lips together, this time in a more tender manner, trying to pour all of his feelings into the kiss. He wanted Louis to feel how much he loved him, even if he could not verbalize it to him yet.

They were a mess of limbs on the bed, both feeling every part of each other’s bodies and familiarizing themselves with each pleasure point. Suddenly, Louis flipped them over so that he was on top. Harry nearly came undone then and there when he saw the lust filling Louis’ crystal blue eyes.

“L-Lube?”

Louis nodded, fishing through his drawer before he found what he was looking for. He squeezed out a generous amount and coated it on his fingers, smirking devilishly.

“Please, Lou. Now.”

“It’s going to feel uncomfortable… even hurt at first,” warned Louis, his voice rougher than usual. Harry nodded eagerly. Gradually, Louis stuck one finger inside of him.

Harry closed his eyes, trying his hardest not to clench.

“Relax babe,” soothed Louis in his ear. “Unclench for me and I promise it’ll feel great.”

Harry took a deep breath and nodded. After a moment he whispered, “Another.”

Louis inserted a second finger, waiting patiently as Harry adjusted to the sensation. When given the go ahead from the already sweaty lad beneath him, Louis began thrusting his sticky fingers.

“ _Louis_!”

“Am I hurting you?” asked Louis worried.

“ _No, faster_!”

Louis smirked.

“As you wish.”

Harry had never felt so much pleasure in his entire life. He could feel himself coming more and more undone as Louis moved his fingers deeper and deeper into him and began to scissor him. Finally, he let out a scream when Louis hit his prostate.

“ _OH_!”

Louis smirked.

 _Bingo_.

“You like that Haz?” teased Louis, removing his fingers and making Harry feel empty. Harry whimpered.

“I need you inside me.  _Now_.”

And who was Louis to deny Harry what he wanted more than anything else? He reached for a condom when he felt Harry grab his wrist. He turned to look at the boy skeptically.

“Are you sure?” Harry nodded.

“I want to feel  _you_ , Lou. No barriers. You’re clean, right?” Louis nodded uncertainly. “Then make love to me, Louis Tomlinson.”

Louis felt as though his heart could explode in that moment as he brought their lips crashing together once more. It was not long after that he was inside of Harry, watching as the younger boy fought to not come undone then and there.

“ _L-LOUIS_!” Harry screamed as Louis hit his sensitive spot.

“Haz,” Louis moaned. He could feel Harry’s nails scratching his back and the thought of the marks that would be left as a result turned him on tremendously. “GOSH, HARRY!”

“I love you, Louis!” cried Harry, not realizing at first what he had just admitted. When he did, his eyes snapped open and began to fill with tears.

Damn it, he just had to ruin it.

“Love, why are you crying?” asked Louis, wiping away Harry’s tears.

“I – I –” He was cut off by Louis’ lips briefly on his own. When Louis pulled away, he said the words that Harry had been waiting for what felt like a lifetime to hear.

“I love you too, Harry.”

They both simultaneously reached their climaxes moments later, their hearts fit to burst at the revelations they had received. As they rode out their highs, they not once broke eye contact, never wanting to forget the moment that was right in front of them.

Never wanting to forget how it felt to tell each other that they loved the other while making love for the very first time.

***

“You were incredible Haz,” whispered Louis after he withdrew himself from Harry. After cleaning themselves off, the two of them were now laying in bed, legs and fingers entwined.

“I don’t know how since you did all the work,” said Harry, playing with Louis’ long and delicate fingers.

“It takes two to tango,” teased Louis, earning himself a slap on the chest.

“You’re a cheese ball.”

“Ah, but I’m  _your_  cheese ball.”

Harry pretended to think hard for a moment.

“I think I’d like a refund.” That earned him a reciprocated slap on the chest.

“Are you hungry?” asked Harry suddenly. “I’m hungry.” Louis burst out laughing hysterically. “What?” Harry pouted.

“You’re one of  _those_?”

“One of what?” asked Harry, slightly offended.

“The one who is hungry after sex. Blimey Haz, I took you for a lot of things but that was not one of them,” snorted Louis, wiping the laughter from his eyes. Harry stuck his tongue out at him.

“Can you blame me? I  _was_  quite incredible after all.”

“I’m going to regret telling you that, aren’t I?”

“Forever, babe.”


	15. The Place I Belong

“Louis Styles.”

“Harry Tomlinson sounds better,” Louis protested, earning himself a glare from Harry.

“What’s wrong with my last name?” Harry pouted.

Louis smiled fondly, kissing the pout off of Harry’s lips. Harry, against his will, smiled into the kiss.

“Nothing, love,” replied Louis when he pulled away. Harry whimpered. “Horny, are we?”

“I like your lips. Is that a crime?”

“If I say yes, will you allow me to handcuff you?” teased Louis, his eyes sparkling mischievously. Harry swallowed.

“Only if you wear a cop uniform,” said Harry, his voice gruff and sending a wave of pleasure through the older boy.

“I reckon that could be –” He was interrupted by Harry’s lips on his own.

So  _that_  was how it would be.

***

As the warm weather seasons transitioned back into the cold weather seasons, Harry and Louis only grew more attached to each other. Hardly a moment went by without one of them murmuring an ‘I love you,’ to which the other would respond with a heated kiss and an affirmation that he felt the same way.

They were cuddled up one evening in Louis’ bed, which they has been doing more frequently because Harry slept better in Louis’ arms than he did in his room where he was alone with his thoughts. Also, they decided to watch some telly that night and Louis’ room was the only room in the cabin that had one.

 _We interrupt this program for a special newscast_.

Harry looked at the older boy who was holding him with a perplexed expression. Louis just shrugged and continued to play with the other boy’s curls, tugging at them gently. Harry hummed in contentment as he did so.

 _We’re still looking for him_  said a familiar tearful voice. Harry froze.

 _We know he’s still out there_  said another familiar voice, the thick Irish drawl sending chills down Harry’s spine.  _And I’m sure I spoke with him recently on the street_.

Harry began to shake, tremors taking over his entire body. This could not be happening. He was being so careful. He made sure…

“Haz … Harry …  _baby_! What’s wrong?” Louis asked, panicked. He tried getting the other boy’s attention but soon, he stopped, realizing why Harry was so distraught.

“If you have any information on where my son Harry Edward Styles is, please contact us at the helpline number below. Any leads could make a difference between life and death and Harry needs your help to come home.”

Louis’ grip tightened painfully on Harry’s hair, causing Harry to gasp, tears of pain filling his eyes.

“Louis …”

“Who are they?” Louis asked, his voice deadly calm.

“Louis –”

“ANSWER ME!”

“My mum and best mate,” Harry gasped. “My mum and Niall –”

“You  _spoke_  with him?”

“I bumped into him in London! I was in disguise … he was handing me a flyer of myself … I used an American accent –”

Louis laughed cruelly, sending chills down Harry’s spine. He had never heard such a sound come out of his beautiful Louis’ mouth. He was too gentle, too kind …

“You’re a fucking  _fool_!” exclaimed Louis, his words stinging Harry. “Why didn't you tell me you had done something so idiotic?” He finally let go of Harry’s hair and got up, pacing the room in an aggravated manner. He yanked at his own feathery hair.

“I didn’t – I’m  _sorry_ ,” cried Harry, getting more and more upset with Louis. Why was he talking to him like he was some inept child?

“ _BECAUSE YOU ARE_!” shouted Louis.

Had he said that out loud?

“Like hell I am! You’re just mad that someone other than you cares about me. That they haven’t given up!”

“Damn right I’m mad! You betrayed me.”

“You  _forgave_  me.”

“And then you  _lied_  to me.”

“I did not –”

“ _By omission_. Do you have any idea what you’ve done to us? To  _me_?”

“ _There it is_!” yelled Harry, his voice now matching Louis’ in volume. “You’re not upset that I may have blown where I am. You’re upset because of what you’ll face if you’re caught.”

Louis opened his mouth to retort, but Harry successfully cut him off.

“You’re remarkable Louis William Tomlinson. Not only are you a Class A dickhead, but you’re also the most selfish person I’ve ever –”

 _SLAP_!

Harry tumbled backwards, colliding with the television and sending both him and it crashing to the floor. There was a sickening crunch.

Harry watched with wide, fearful eyes as Louis approached him. Never had Louis continued to hurt him after the initial slap. He always promptly apologized. He had been getting his temper in check lately. It was all his fault for upsetting his Louis…

He felt a swift kick to his gut and his curled in on himself in pain. Another kick to his ribs.

“Louis,” he gasped. “Louis, please –”

The older boy could not seemingly hear him, delivering a blow to Harry’s left eye. Harry whimpered in agony, closing in on himself. Not his Louis … his Louis would never hurt him like this… why had he made him so angry …?

He was crying. No … he was numb and there were no tears on his cheeks. Who was …?

Louis.

Harry opened his one, not swollen eye and gazed across the room at Louis. He was sitting in the corner, his knees drawn up to his chest, gasping as he cried while staring in shock at Harry. Harry tried to move over to hold the boy but he fell over in pain. This only caused Louis to cry harder.

“I’m so sorry …” gasped Louis. “Baby, I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I hurt you …”

“Louis, it’s OK –”

“ _Leave_.”

That one word, that one syllable, pierced through Harry’s heart and soul.

“Lou –”

“You promised me, Harry,” cried Louis, sobs wracking his body. “You promised me that if I ever hurt you or made you feel unsafe that you would leave.  _Please_.”

The brokenness in Louis’ voice made Harry’s hurt split perfectly down the middle. But deep down, he knew Louis was right. He didn’t belong here and he couldn’t stay with Louis and live in fear for the rest of his life when there were people back home that were worried sick about him. For once, he couldn’t make the selfish decision to stay and forget where he belonged.

Even if he felt deep in his heart that he belonged to Louis.

To  _Louis_ , the voice in his head mocked him.  _Not_ with  _him. There’s a difference_.

Harry shut the voice down, painfully getting to his feet. He walked over to Louis and crouched next to him, despite the horrible pain in his abdomen.

“Look at me,” said Harry softly. Louis refused to make eye contact. “Louis William Tomlinson, look at me or so help me I will  _make_  you.”

Louis looked up hesitantly, his eyes still blurry from the continuous stream of tears. Harry wiped them away with his thumbs.

“I love you,” breathed Harry honestly. Louis let out a sob. “I love you so much Louis, and despite all that you have done to me or may do to me, that will never change. But you’re right, I have to leave because I know in my heart… you’re just a moving part.”

“I’m not safe here and for once, I have to stop putting my heart before my brain and think of someone other than myself. Or maybe that’s not it at all. Maybe I need to start thinking of myself and stop thinking of what we had… or what you mean to me.”

“But I do love you, Louis William Tomlinson. Don’t you ever forget that.”

Harry leaned in, capturing Louis’ lips in his own. He felt the older boy melt into the kiss, but as soon as he acknowledged that he ended it. It was time to leave.

For good.

He got up, no longer feeling the pain in his body but that was probably the shock setting in. And then he began walking away – away from the life that he and Louis had together and toward the life that he belonged to long before he lost control of himself.

He exited the front door and looked one more time at the cabin he had grown accustomed to calling home. But it wasn’t home. Not really. Home is where you felt safe and where you felt loved. And while Louis may have claimed to have loved him and showed that love numerous times…

At the end of the day, Harry was still a hostage of both Louis’ and his heart.

So he walked. And he walked. And he continued walking until the cabin in the forest was a distant life that he lived, even though the memories made there were still as fresh as the scars on his arms.

 _That was Louis_ , the voice in his head affirmed.  _Remember that_.

Harry got a lot of stares as he walked through London to the next stop that would bring him to Holmes Chapel. He heard the gasps and he saw the pointing. But he didn’t care. All he cared about was what he was leaving behind and trying to remind himself that he should care about what he was going to be coming back to.

Finally, he was staring at the front door of his childhood home. Only, it didn’t feel like his home anymore. No, it had not been his home for a long while now.

Slowly, he raised his bruised and battered arm and knocked on the door. He heard footsteps approaching, but they were slightly muffled by the pounding of his heart. He had no idea what to expect from the other end of the door when it opened.

“Yes?”

Harry’s eyes filled with tears upon seeing his mother in the flesh. Suddenly, with all the overwhelming emotions from the day consuming him, he felt himself falling until he was in her arms again. He heard her scream and the sobs wrack through her body. Sobs of grief and relief. He heard her call for someone and before he fell completely unconscious, he felt another pair of hands lift him up and bring him into the place that he belonged.

Even though it wasn’t with the person he could not shake the feeling he belonged with in that moment.


	16. Giving Answers

The first thing Harry noticed when he started to come to his senses was the fact that he was not wrapped in Louis’ arms. He groaned lowly, adjusting in hopes of finding the older boy but his movement only caused him to fall flat on the ground. He let out a whimper.

He heard the door open and a surprised squeak.

“Baby! What happened?” cried a female voice, running over to him.

Harry’s eyes snapped open in shock.

“M-Mum?” he croaked, turning his head to look at the dark-haired woman. Her eyes were full of panic and concern.

“Yes, sweetheart, it’s me,” she whispered as she helped him up. “What happened?”

“Must’ve been too close to the edge,” Harry mumbled, allowing her to lower him onto the bed. He frowned when she wrapped him under the covers again.

“I’m so sorry, I only stepped out a moment ago to grab you something to drink. You need to keep hydra –”

“Mum,” said Harry lowly, causing her to fall silent and stare at him with wide eyes. “How long have I been out for?”

“About 72 hours.” Harry’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “But clearly you needed it… and of course you did, after the trauma you must have gone through…”

“How’d I get here?” he interrupted again. Anne faltered.

“W-We were hoping you’d be able to tell us that sweetie,” she said, stroking his hair delicately. He closed his eyes at the sensation, but not because it felt good. Rather because it made him recall a memory of someone else doing the same action to him.

“Do you not remember anything, sweetheart?”

Harry came to his senses again and pursed his lips.

“ _We_?” he simply said.

Anne looked confused for a moment and then recognition dawned on her face. She turned to the door as it opened suddenly and two men in uniform entered the room.

“Hello Mr. Styles,” the one greeted Harry. The man had greying hair and a rather pathetic mustache. If Harry was not so drained and unimpressed by the sudden appearance of these strangers, he probably would have smirked at the sight.

“Who are you?” snapped Harry, rudely. Anne gave him a look of admonishment.

“ _Harry Edward Styles_  –”

“It’s fine ma’am,” said the other uniformed man. He looked middle-aged but comparatively younger than his partner.

Harry raised an eyebrow impatiently and wile the older man clucked his tongue and Harry’s insolence, the younger man got the hint.

“My name is Detective Sergeant Higgins and this is my partner, Detective Inspector Cowell. We are here to ask you some questions regarding your abduction and subsequent return over a year later.”

Harry closed his eyes, trying to force down the memories that were currently bubbling back up to the surface.

 _Louis… the fight… leaving his Louis_ …

 _He’s not_ your  _Louis_ , the voice in his head mocked him.  _Not anymore_ …

Harry pulled at his hair frustrated and willed his tears to not escape their ducts. He would not cry in front of strangers.

 _You left him_ , murmured the voice.  _You_ abandoned  _him when all he did was love you_ …

“Harry?  _Harry_!” cried his mother, trying to get him to stop ripping out his hair. “Harry, please! Can you hear me, darling?” She was crying. He hated when his mother cried and now he was the reason for her tears.

He could feel himself flailing and two pairs of strong arms holding him down. He cried for his Lou. He cried for the life he left behind when he decided selfishly to abandon his Louis. He should have never abandoned his Louis…

“Ma’am, he shouldn’t be staying here,” said DI Cowell sternly. “He needs to be treated in a proper facility.”

“I – Where?” hiccupped Anne.

“Saint Bernard’s Institution.”

Harry felt his blood run cold.

“I’m not mental!” he screamed, smacking DI Cowell’s hands off of him.

“Of course you’re not, darling,” said Anne, trying to soothe him. She was doing a less than stellar job. “Do you think that’s really necessary?”

“I’m afraid that I do, ma’am. He’s a danger to both you and yourself. We can have him transported there imm –”

“Can I talk to him?”

The heads of the three adults in the room turned to the door but Harry refused to look up even though he recognized the Irish drawl.

“I’m not sure that’s recomm –”

“I’m his best mate,” said the voice. Harry could hear the terseness in Niall’s voice. “I’ll find a way to be by his side one way or another.”

DI Cowell did not look impressed by the statement but after a look from his younger counterpart, stormed out of the room. Anne followed him, followed soon after by DS Higgins.

“We’ll be right outside,” said DS Higgins before closing the door.

Harry heard a side and then felt a dip in the bed. He did not look up from his hands though even when Niall cleared his throat.

“I can’t believe I didn’t immediately realize that it was you that day,” said Niall simply. “Your American accent was pathetic.”

To his own surprise, Harry let out a snort, which then caused Niall to laugh. Before Harry could stop himself, he found himself hugging his best friend and crying hysterically in his arms.

“Shhh, it’s going to be all right, H,” soothed Niall. “You’re safe now, you’re back where you belong.”

Harry shook his head, his curls falling into his damp eyes.

“I m-miss h-him,” Harry wailed.

“Who?”

“H-Him.” He could feel Niall tense.

“Are you talking about the person who took you that day?”

Harry did not respond, but he had no need to. Niall just knew.

“Harry, what did he do to you?” Niall whispered. Harry’s shook his head and didn’t respond. “H, look at me!”

Harry slowly lifted his head and looked into Niall’s cerulean eyes.

 _They’re nice eyes_ ,Harry thought.  _But they’re nowhere near as nice as Louis’ eyes_.

“I loved him…  _love_  him.”

Niall’s eyes widened in shock. Then confused swept through them.

“Are you gay?” Harry punched him in the arm. “Argh, what’d ye do that fah?”

“For being an idiot. Is that all you got out of that?”

“Sorry… but…”

“No,” snapped Harry. “At least… I don’t know, I’ve never felt this way about a bloke before, have I? I haven’t for a girl either but… no, I don’t think I’m gay. It’s just… it’s just him. It’s only him.”

“Who?”

“I’m sorry Ni, you know I can’t tell you,” said Harry sadly. Niall looked offended.

“Why not?” Harry gave him a look.

“I know that you’ll feel like you have to tell them so I’ll give you deniability. I’m not looking to ruin his life.”

“He ruined  _yours_ , H!”

“He didn’t –”

“He made you fall for him. Don’t look at me like that – you know I have nothing against blokes fancying blokes and all that. He kidnapped you H, held you hostage… he stole you from us and to make it worse, he stole your  _heart_!”

“Don’t be so melodramatic.” Now it was Niall’s turn to punch Harry’s arm, but the younger boy let out a whimper when he did so. Niall panicked.

“What’d I do? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing –”

“Take off your shirt.”

“Niall, I told you I’m not interested in guys that –”

“Cut the shit, Styles. Take it off.”

Harry sighed and after a couple moments of difficulty, managed to do as Niall told him. Harry had never seen Niall cry before but in that moment, he had to drop his gaze because he could see those cerulean depths glazing over.

“Harry…” Niall breathed. “This isn’t love.”

“He loved me,” Harry insisted. “He just had a temper sometimes… he hardly –”

“How many times?” said Niall, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. Harry whispered something unintelligible. “I didn’t catch that.”

“Only three times.”

“ _Only_  three times?” cried Niall, but Harry smacked his hand over the blond boy’s mouth. Niall gave him a look and he took it off. “Why H? Clearly you could have left but chose not to… why did you let him treat you that way? And  _don’t_  say because he loved you because that’s bullshit.”

So Harry told Niall everything. About how he had been on his way to the latter’s house when Louis came and abducted him. He told him about how he had been restrained to the bed for months before he was finally free because he was trusted enough. He told Niall how he broke that trust and how disappointed Louis had been but how he restrained himself from hurting Harry because it hurt Louis when Harry was in pain. He told him about each time he was hurt – the first time when they were simply kidnapper and victim, the second time when Harry provoked him and Louis lost his temper and how betrayed Harry had felt because they had been getting closer, and the last time. The time that it went too far and Louis begged him to leave so that he could never hurt Harry again. And how much leaving his Louis had killed Harry both physically and emotionally. Through the entire story though, he left out details such as Louis’ name and any description of the place that he had been held captive.

Niall was silent by the end of the story. Harry had not looked at him while telling him the events of the past two years, making sure that Niall had long since stopped sniffing when he finally looked him in the eye again. It pained him to see Niall’s red-rimmed eyes and know that he was the cause of his best mate’s pain.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” Harry murmured. “And I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that it was me that day. I wanted to Ni, believe me I did. But I couldn’t leave him. He was my everything… he still is.”

Niall wiped his nose on the back of his hand and fixed Harry with a stern glare.

“I’m not mad at you, H. I love you, no matter what. But you have to tell the authorities what you told me.” Harry shook his head rapidly. “ _Just_  what you told me. They can’t make you turn him in but at the very least you owe it to your mum to know what happened to you so that she can get you the help you need.”

“I’m not crazy!” Harry repeated.

“I know that. But you are hurt and you need to heal. You  _want_  to heal, don't you?”

“I want  _him_.”

Niall sighed sadly. Not knowing what to say, he leaned over to give Harry a gentle hug. Harry hesitated for a moment but then wrapped his arms around the other lad.

“I’m going to be there every step of the way H. You’re not alone in this.”

Harry was silent because he knew Niall was right.  _He_  was not alone in this. But Louis was.

And for that, Harry would never forgive himself.

***

True to his word, there was not a day that went by after the one in Harry’s bedroom that Niall was not by Harry’s side. Even after Anne was forced to put Harry in Saint Bernard’s Institution, Niall still spent visiting hours with him. At a certain point, the orderlies told him off for it.

“He’s not even here most of the time you are,” one tried to insist, but Niall wasn’t having it.

“He’s my best mate and right now I’m all he has,” retorted Niall. “I’m not going to leave him just because it might be ‘inconvenient.’”

Harry looked down at his fingers. Niall didn’t realize he was in the room right now or else he probably would not have admitted the inconvenience of coming here. Despite having his own car, the drive from Niall’s house to Saint Bernard’s was at best an hour. It was highly inconvenient but in the week that Harry had been staying there, Niall had visited every day.

Harry felt tears well up in his eyes and he dug his nails into his palms. He hated it here. At night when the lights were turned off, the screams seemed to echo more than ever of the other patients. Sometimes he was not sure if they belonged to him and he was just too far-gone to realize it because sometimes he would catch the orderlies gazing into his room in annoyance.

He vaguely heard the door open and a gasp. Footsteps hurried to the side of his bed.

“H, stop doing that!” Niall exclaimed, pulling the curly-haired lad’s nails out of his palms. “Why are you hurting yourself again?”

“I wouldn’t want to burden you with the  _inconvenience_  of explaining,” Harry snapped, pointedly. Niall’s eyes widened and he looked ashamed.

“You heard that…”

“Kind of hard not to. All I seem to hear is people talking about me lately and it’s not like there’s a lot of alternative things to listen to around here.”

“I was just trying to get the orderly off of my –”

“Save it,” said Harry, holding up his hand to stop Niall from talking. He didn’t miss his mate cringing at the sight of his bloodied and scarred hand and arm. He pursed his lips.

“Leave then.”

“W-What?”

“If you’re so  _disgusted_  by me then  _leave_. I’d hate to further inconvenience you.”

“No, Harry, it’s not like –”

“ _LEAVE HORAN_!”

Niall’s eyes flashed with remorse. He stood up slowly and walked to the door before turning around to face Harry once more.

“I’m still coming every day,” he said simply. “I don’t care if I have to sit in the corridor until they throw me out. I’ll never abandon you, H. I just hope that you realize sooner rather than later that you’re the only one who thinks that you’re not worth fighting for.”

Harry was silent and looked away as Niall left. That seemed to be all that people did lately – leave. Granted, he wasn’t making it very easy for them to stay but they were not the ones who he wanted to fight for him.

No, he was somewhere very far away.

***

After two weeks of being locked away, or at least that was how Harry saw it, the doctors had finally given a prognosis on him. Granted, they still were unsure to what extent that he had the condition given his refusal to divulge what happened in the two years that he was gone. To Harry’s surprise, Niall still had not spoken up either, even after Harry had thrown him out.

Speaking of Niall, he still visited every day but Harry refused to allow him into the room. When he saw him outside of the room, he would immediately hide under the bed from him so that the blond lad could not see any of the marks on his body and so that Harry could not see what he believed to be disgust in Niall’s face, despite assertions that claimed otherwise.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, H,” called Niall from the hall. He sounded weary and only when he heard his retreating footsteps did Harry get out from under the bed.

***

“There’s no permanent internal damage ma’am and we’re fairly certain we know what is ailing Mr. Styles,” a doctor said lowly, speaking to Anne one afternoon.

He hated when they called him Mr. Styles.

“What is it?” came Anne’s hushed voice.

Harry could hear the pair of them from inside his room and let out a disgruntled noise. They always did this – talk about him when he was in earshot as if he was too thick to comprehend what they were saying. He was tired of it but he knew fighting it would be pointless.

“He’s clearly suffering from a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”

There was silence from his mother’s end. Harry waited, expecting an explanation and was not disappointed.

“Put simply, Stockholm Syndrome is when a victim has feelings of trust or affection felt in certain cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking toward his or her captor. Whoever it was that kidnapped Mr. Styles… he or she must have manipulated him in some way to not give away his or her identity.”

He wasn’t manipulated. His Louis would never manipulate him. Not intentionally.

“Is there anything we can do?” asked Anne, her voice sounding shaky to Harry. He picked at a hangnail agitatedly and watched as it began to bleed. He grimaced.

“He needs more than anything to be transferred down to our psychiatric ward. Down there, he will be able to speak with a specialist who can perhaps extract the information of what happened to him during that chunk of time that we are missing.”

Harry gripped his sheets tightly. They were moving him  _again_. He wouldn’t go down there, who knows what would happen to him…?

“Good afternoon Mr. Styles,” greeted the doctor.

Harry looked up suddenly, resulting in a crick in his neck. He ignored the pain though.

“Where’s my mum?” he asked.

“She had another appointment that she needed to get to promptly. She sends her love.”

Harry rolled his eyes. A fat lot of good “her love” was doing for him here. She hadn’t been to visit him properly since he was first moved in here, not that he was surprised. She seemed to fall to pieces whenever she looked at him too, fear and disappointment filling her eyes and causing her to run out of the room distraught.

“So,” said the doctor clearing his throat. “We will be –”

“I’m not going down there,” said Harry, staring at his feet. “I heard you outside but I won’t do it – I won’t go down there with all of the screaming. I  _won’t_.”

“I’m afraid that you don’t have a say in the matter, Mr. Styles. You’re not at full mental capacity to make your own health decisions –”

“But I’m legal –”

“Which still does not give you any power over our professional opinion. Your mother remains your legal guardian and given your current metal heath state, she will be your sole decision-maker.”

“Bullshit,” spat Harry, but the doctor chose to ignore his vulgarity. “Why aren’t you listening to me? I’m not going!”

The doctor looked to the door as two orderlies entered, both with wicked grins on their faces.

“Good afternoon Mr. Styles.”

“Stop calling me that! Where are you going? Wait –”

“ _Shut it_ ,” said one of the orderlies. Harry read his nametag – Lucas. “Grimshaw, help me out here.”

Harry looked at the older one, his hair quiffed up. He had slight stubble.

“He’s a pretty one,” whispered Grimshaw, causing Harry to shiver. Harry could feel his breath on his ear and the bile rise in his throat as the orderly nibbled down on his lobe. “I could have fun with this one.”

“Keep it in your pants, Grimshaw. There’s a time and a place,” smirked Lucas.

“Oh, I’ll be pulling some strings to make sure my patrol is in your corridor princess,” smirked Grimshaw, his hand ghosting down to Harry’s crotch. Harry felt the panic rise in him but could not find it in himself to scream. Who would come running in a mental hospital where that was all anyone did?

Grimshaw squeezed, causing a tear to escape Harry’s left eye. Grimshaw kissed it away.

“It’ll be all right princess, I’ll treat you well. I’ll fuck your tight little hole until you’re screaming for more and when you do… well, I’ll leave what’ll happen next to your imagination.”

Harry was shaking, silent sobs wracking his body. Even after Orderly Grimshaw removed his hand from his crotch, he could still feel the pressure and the level of violation that occurred only moments ago.

“Off we go,” grinned Orderly Lucas. “To the psych ward, where dreams do come true.”

Harry stared ahead wide-eyed as he was pushed in his bed by the two men out the door and down the white corridor.

What was going to happen to him?


	17. I Need Somebody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING: RAPE**
> 
> Please do not read on if you feel that this will harm, make you feel uncomfortable or trigger any bad thoughts.

Harry was not allowed any visitors in the psychiatric ward. That meant that no many how many screaming matches Niall got into with the orderlies, doctors, and nurses combined, none of them would budge. Of course, Harry had no idea if Niall had done any of these things at all. For all he knew, Niall had given up like everyone else seemed to have done. And the worst part is that Harry wouldn’t blame him one bit for doing so.

True to his word, Orderly Grimshaw was now patrolling his corridor every night after the lights turned off. He would periodically glance through Harry’s small glass window in the door and lick his lips tauntingly, sending chills down Harry’s spine. He was a trapped, caged animal. He knew it and Orderly Grimshaw knew it. He was just biding his time to make Harry stir crazy, waiting for the right moment to pounce.

That moment came sooner than Harry expected. He had no idea what month it was, let alone what day it was, when Orderly Grimshaw unlocked his door and entered his room one evening.

Harry pretended to sleep, hoping that it would dissuade the orderly from going through with what he knew he was going to do. Harry’s breath was so erratic though that he should have known that he wouldn't have a prayer in fooling Grimshaw.

“I know you’re awake, angel,” mocked Grimshaw. “Are you excited?”

Harry felt Grimshaw’s hand ghost over his trousers, grabbing hold of his desired area. He could feel the tears welling up already.

“Shhh,” hushed Grimshaw. “Don’t cry until I give you a real reason to. You want this angel, I have the proof in my hand right now. You’re hard for me, angel, just admit that you want this as much as I do. That you want my throbbing cock fucking your tight little arse just as much as I want to.  _Admit it_!”

Harry was openly sobbing now. He tried to push Grimshaw off of him, but the older man straddled him menacingly.

“Repeat after me,” hissed Grimshaw, holding Harry down by his wrists even though he was already restricted to the bed. In a lot of ways, this wasn’t all that different from how he had been kept when he was in Louis’ cabin.

 _No_ , he thought.  _Louis never forced himself on me_.

SLAP!

 _He did do that though_.

“Are you listening,  _fa----_?” snarled Grimshaw. Harry whimpered, nodding slightly. “Good. Now, repeat after me. ‘ _I want you to fuck my tight little arse, Nick_.’”

Harry shook his head violently. Another slap.

“ _SAY IT_!”

“NO!” A punch to the gut. Harry grimaced.

“Say it you fucking fa----. Say it!”

Seeing no other alternative, Harry finally did as he was told.

“I – I –” he sobbed. “I w-want you to f-fuck my tight little arse, N-Nick.”

Nick smiled devilishly.

“You know something, angel. I think I’d like that very much too. I’m so glad you and I are both on the same page.” In one swift movement, Harry’s trousers and pants were pooled at his ankles, leaving his twitching member bare for Nick. He looked away as Nick took in the sight greedily.

“You look  _delicious_ , angel. Don’t worry, I’ll give you something too, I’m not selfish. After all, I know how much you  _want_ this too.”

Harry couldn’t stop crying now no matter how hard he tried. All he could think about was his first time with Louis and how gentle he had been and how wrong  _this_  was. He was supposed to be here for “help” but all he was getting was sexually assaulted and more problems.

He let out another sob as Nick began teasing his head, dancing around the spot with his tongue. He licked a strip, but instead of feeling turned on, Harry just wanted to vomit. Nick didn’t seem to mind though because despite the wave of nausea coursing through Harry, his body was betraying him.

“You’re such a slut, angel. Your body isn’t even putting up a fight,” mocked Nick before he took Harry entirely in his mouth. Harry’s hips bucked, gagging Nick slightly. Nick forcefully pushed Harry’s hips back down, hollowing his cheeks.

Eventually, Harry came in Nick’s mouth, which the boy swallowed. He licked his lips teasingly when he released Harry.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” smirked Nick. “You did well, angel. Maybe I won’t have to dispose of you once we’re done. That is, if you continue to deliver.”

“P-Please,” begged Harry, trying to pull up his pants and trousers. “No m-more –”

“But angel that was just the entrée. It’s time for dessert.”

He took Harry’s pants and trousers off of his ankles and threw them somewhere on the dirty floor. He then stood up, unbuckling his pants and doing the same for himself. He stood there expectantly, but Harry refused to look at him.

“Don’t you like what you see?” smirked Nick. Harry looked up at him and spat at his length, making Nick’s eyes flash. He gripped Harry’s chin, causing the boy to whimper. “ _Never_  do that again. Do you understand me?”

Harry nodded quickly.

“Say, ‘Nick, your dick is the only one that I ever want inside me again.’”

“N-Nick,” Harry’s voice faltered. “Your d-dick is the only one that I ever want inside me again.”

“Very good, angel,” cooed Nick. “I promise you that I will make sure you get your wish one way or another.” He straddled Harry again, lifting Harry’s legs over his shoulders.

Harry’s eyes widened and Nick laughed, seeming to understand his sudden fear.

“What? You didn’t think I’d make this painless, did you? No, you’re not getting any lube, angel. I know how much you want me so you’re going to get me  _now_.”

Without any hesitation, he thrust into Harry, causing the boy to let out a piercing scream. Nick quickly covered the boy’s mouth and growled,

“Shut your fucking mouth, you disgusting fa----. No one is coming. Well, except for you in a few minutes.”

Nick kept his hand over Harry’s mouth throughout the entire assault, thrusting harder than Harry thought was physically possible. This wasn’t like being with Louis at all. Louis had been gentle, he had been loving. Nick was erratic and evil. He had no thought but for his own pleasure and it took all that Harry had to stay conscious despite all of the pain.

He finally came, spilling all over between the pair of them. He could sense Nick smirking as he lapped up the excess fluids. He was truly sick and deserved to be in this institution far more than Harry did.

“You’re not bad, angel,” said Nick a little while later as he cleaned up the mess. “Not bad at all. In fact, I think that we can make this a regular occurrence. What do you say? It was hot, wasn’t it?”

Harry stared dully ahead, causing Nick to laugh.

“You’ll see it my way sooner than later, princess. Or else,” he added, threateningly. Harry didn’t acknowledge him though because in that moment, Nick had decided to open the door to leave.

And in that same moment, he made eye contact with a hauntingly familiar set of blue eyes that belonged to the boy with the feathery hair.

***

Harry wasn’t sure if he had dreamed seeing Louis or if he had been delusional after the assault. He certainly knew that he had not dreamed that, given the raging pain in his arse the following morning that was enough to make him cry, if possible, even more.

All he knew though was that he needed to find the boy and see if he was real.

What he needed and what he was capable of doing; however, were two entirely different things. Something shifted inside of Harry after the night that Nick attacked him. He had become entirely mute, only existing within his thoughts. This did not make his psychiatry sessions any easier.

“Hullo Mr. Styles, my name is Dr. Malik,” said the psychiatrist, who sat in the chair next to Harry’s bed. He wore black-rimmed glasses and his hair was raven-colored with a streak of blond running through the quiff.

Harry did not respond, but the psychiatrist was unabashed.

“I hear that you suffered quite an ordeal recently.”

 _You’ll have to specify_ , Harry thought dully.

“It says here that you were abducted on the way to your friend’s house one afternoon and that you were missing for two years before you returned home. Is that true?”

 _Like you don’t know_.

“You can call me Zayn if you’d like,” smiled Dr. Malik. “I know we’re supposed to have a strictly professional relationship, but I tend to let my favorite patients call me by my first time.”

 _You don’t know me_.

Dr. Malik frowned.

“Mr. Styles… can I call you Harry?” Harry made no sign of acknowledging him. “Harry, are you –?” he reached out to touch Harry’s shoulder but before he could, the younger lad flinched back. Dr. Malik’s eyes widened and Harry saw him make a note on his notepad.

“Harry, did your kidnapper hurt you physically while you were his prisoner?”

 _Yes_.

“Did he make you feel unsafe?”

 _Yes_.

Dr. Malik sighed.

“Did he make you feel loved?”

 _Yes_.

“I think that will be all for today, Harry. I will be back tomorrow for our regular session.” He waited, as if expecting Harry to finally say something. When he did not, he simply said, “Have a good night Harry.”

 _You don’t know me_.

Dr. Malik left, leaving Harry alone with his thoughts.

***

Harry awoke at some point in the night to a strange noise. In a moment of panic, he thought it was Nick coming back as promised and began thrashing violently. When he was met with no resistant, he opened his eyes and realized that there was no one in his room.

He heard the noise again. He turned his head to the left to where the noise seemed to be coming from and heard another whimper.

No one had been back to chain him to the bed since his appointment with Dr. Malik earlier so he was able to get up and walk over to the wall. Once he did so, he was able to see that there was a hole in the wall. Not a big hole, but big enough to be able to pass a note through if you –

_A note!_

Harry scurried as fast as he could to his table given the extreme amount of pain that he was in. Dr. Malik had left him a pen and notepad in case he decided he wanted to write some thoughts down. He grabbed both and went back to the hole in the wall, sitting down next to it. He scribbled a note.

 _You woke me up_.

He shoved it through the hole in the wall along with the pen and after a moment, the sniffling stopped. He waited with baited breath. Suddenly, the paper squeezed back through, followed by the pen.

 _Hi. Sorry. You did the same to me last night_.

Harry wrote back.

 _Oops_.

He didn’t expect a message back after that, but to his surprise, they continued coming.

_What are you here for?_

_They think that I’m crazy._

_Are you?_

_I’m sending messages through the hole in my wall and it’s responding to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was._

_You know I’m real though, right?_

_That’s the kind of thing my mind would want me to think though, right?_

_I suppose so …_

_Why are_ you  _here?_

_They said I’m crazy too. Found me wandering around London screaming for … for someone I lost._

_I’m sorry._

_For what?_

_Sorry for whomever you lost._

_Don’t be. He was never mine to have._

Harry was silent as he thought over those words.

 _He was never mine to have_. Suddenly, he scribbled down the most important question he could think of in that moment.

_What’s your name?_

There was a pause where he received no answer back, just a few shaky breaths. Then finally, a response. With unsteady hands, Harry looked at the response and his heart nearly stopped.

 _Louis Tomlinson_.

His Louis.

“And yours?” asked a hoarse voice from the other side of the wall. Harry nearly sobbed when he heard the voice of the man he loved more than anything. But he panicked and wrote back without fully thinking of the potential consequences of his actions.

 _Hershel Azoff_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be honest, this was awful to write. I want to make it known that the character of Nick in this story is in no way a reflection of how Nick is in real life or how I perceive him.


	18. Letters from Beyond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING: RAPE**  
> Please do not read on if you feel that this will harm, make you feel uncomfortable or trigger any bad thoughts.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” Louis asked one morning. Harry picked up his pen.

_I don’t talk._

“How come?”

_No one listens._

“I would.”

Harry tugged at his hair. He couldn’t talk without revealing himself to Louis and there is no way in hell that he could do that. Not after everything that has happened. Hearing his voice was hard enough, but Louis knowing what had happened to him…

No, it was too much for Harry to handle.

“Hey, are you there?”

 _Yeah, sorry. I get lost in my thoughts a lot_.

Louis chuckled.

“Well, it’s not like there’s a lot of alternative things to do in here I suppose.” Harry smiled slightly. “How long have you been here for?”

 _To be honest, I have no idea. You_?

“About a week now,” Louis sighed. Harry nodded to himself. That seemed about right. The night that Nick had…

“…I came in one night after hours. I could’ve sworn that I saw…”

Harry’s heart began beating faster. When Louis didn’t continue he passed a note through.

 _Thought you saw what_?

“N-Nothing,” stammered Louis. “Just someone I used to know. Must’ve still been out of it though, he wouldn’t be here of all places. And thank goodness for that.”

Harry swallowed thickly. He could never tell Louis his true identity. It would destroy the other boy.

“What’s your favorite color?” asked Louis suddenly.

Harry smiled again. He had missed Louis’ randomness but he also felt a wave of nostalgia for one of their first proper conversations together in the cabin.

 _Blue_ , he wrote back. He then decided to test things a bit.  _Sky blue_.

Louis sighed.

“My… someone I cared about liked blue. Not sky blue though. He liked ocean blue.”

 _Someone he_ cared  _about_ , Harry thought bitterly.  _Not someone he_ loved.

 _Is he the person you lost_?

“Yeah,” breathed Louis. “Yeah, I lost him. In more ways than one.”

***

 _How’d you lose him_? Harry wrote one evening.

“He… he left me. No, that’s not right. I told him to leave. I think he would’ve stayed if I hadn’t and that scares me the most.”

“Sorry,” Louis then swiftly apologized. “I’m not sure why I’m bothering you with all of this.”

 _I asked. It’s no bother_.

“He was beautiful,” Louis whispered, and Harry closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. He did so hoping that it would take away the pain of Louis being so close but not knowing whom he was really talking to.

“So beautiful,” Louis continued. “He had these thick, rich, brown curls that seemed to go on for miles. And when he’d look down, the fringe would fall into his green eyes. I loved those eyes… I  _love_  them…”

 _And him_?

“I still love him,” replied Louis, sniffling. “So much. I wish I had never hurt him, had never given him a reason to leave.” He was fully crying now.

Not sure what else to do, Harry stuck his pinky through the hole in the wall. He waited patiently but eventually, he could feel Louis’ pinky wrapped around his own. He closed his eyes at the contact. Right now, he needed some touch of the life he had before it became a million times more complicated and Louis was the closest thing he could get to that. At least for now.

And so they stayed like that. Their hands tied up like two ships, drifting and weightless.

***

Harry and Louis continued to have their bad days and their worse days but the one thing that remained consistent through it all was that they talked about everything. Of course, Harry had to monitor what he divulged to Louis lest he reveal himself, which he was still not ready to do. He was unsure whether or not he would ever be ready to do so. The more he thought about it, the more he feared Louis’ reaction if he knew that he was in this hellhole as well.

They also crossed pinkies often through the door. Both boys would take turns initiating it. Sometimes one would hear the other crying or sigh and would stick his pinky through to show that he was there for him. Or sometimes, it would just be to make sure that they were not alone and that the other was not a figment of the imagination.

“I feel like you’re holding back,” said Louis, squeezing Harry’s pinky gently one evening. “Like you’re afraid of something.”

Harry did not respond, his heart rate increasing. Louis did not expect a response though since the hole was occupied so he continued to speak.

“I’m fairly decent at reading people,” he proceeded. “I did decent in psychology when I was in school.” Harry rolled his eyes fondly. “Are you, H?”

Harry simply squeezed Louis’ finger in response so the older boy let it drop.

“I hope I can hear your voice one day,” said Louis softly. “I’m sure it’s lovely.”

 _I hope so too_.

 _No_ , said the voice in the back of his head.  _He’s the reason you’re here. He hurt you and broke you until the rest of them left you a shattered mess. He doesn’t love you, no one does_.

 _That’s not true_ , Harry thought to himself, digging his nails into the hand that was not linked to Louis’.  _He loved me. He said he still_ loves _me. A love like that doesn’t fade_.

 _You’re as worthless as Nick says. You’re worth everything he does to you_.

 _No_ , insisted Harry.  _No, I’m_ –

He suddenly heard the door click and he immediately pulled away from Louis, jumping back into his bed where he normally spent his time whenever someone entered.

“Hershel?” came Louis’ faded voice from the hole. “Are you okay?” His concern would have touched Harry under other circumstances if he was not so afraid for his life.

“Hello angel.”

Harry swallowed, the tears forming pools in his eyes. He could feel himself shaking and refused to make eye contact with Nick.

“Answer me when I address you,” Nick snarled, moving closer. “Say hello Nick.”

“H-Hello Nick,” Harry whispered. Nick’s lips curled upward.

“Better. We’ll work on your greeting. As for now, we have work to do.” He was over to Harry in one swift movement, repeating the act of pulling his trousers and pants down to reveal his throbbing member. “I see you’re already excited to see me. Excellent.”

Harry shook his head violently and began thrashing. He felt Nick’s hands wrap tightly around his wrists, holding him to the bed.

“Say you want me, angel,” he hissed, grinding his now also bare member against Harry’s own. Harry squirmed under the friction. “Say you want me inside your tight little arsehole.”

“Hershel,” came Louis’ voice, loud and sharp from the other side of the wall. “ _Who_  is that?”

Both heads turned to the wall, Harry’s in fear and Nick’s in confusion.

“Hershel?” he sneered. “That’s not his name!” he shouted back.

Harry could hear the blood pounding in his ears as Nick continued to ride him. This was so wrong … and he was going to tell Louis …

“W-What?” faltered Louis. Harry could detect the betrayal in his voice and it broke his heart. No more than it would in a few moments though.

“Tell him your real name angel or I will.”

Harry shook his head violently, his eyes pleading for Nick to remain silent and just do what he had come to do. Nick could see the panic though and took advantage of it.

“That’s OK, I’ll be screaming it in a few minutes anyway …”

“What’s going on?” asked Louis, his voice panicked. “Don’t hurt him!”

“Oh, don’t worry about young Mr. Styles here,” smirked Nick, and Harry’s eyes widened. “He’s not as innocent as you might be led on to believe.”

The silence was so pronounced that you could have heard a pin drop.

“H- _Harry_?” croaked Louis. If possible, Harry’s heart broke into a million pieces all over again. Suddenly he heard a loud banging noise. “ _LEAVE HIM ALONE_!”

“Oh, you two know each other then?” grinned Nick. “How delightful, maybe when I’m done here with you angel I can go next-door for seconds.”

“ _DON’T YOU LAY A HAND ON HIM_!”

“Sorry lover boy, I’m afraid that I can’t do that. You see, I kind of have a thing for angel, here. His body is just so delicious but – well, I’m sure you know that. You two seem to have some history going on.”

Harry tried to block out Louis’ screams. If anything could have possibly made this situation worse it was having Louis know what had been happening to him since he had left.

“Ready angel?” Nick asked.

 _Like he cared_.

Not waiting for any answer, he thrust into Harry, causing the boy to let out the most horrifying scream that Louis had ever heard in his life. Louis continued banging on the door of his room, trying to get attention and shouting himself hoarse.

“ _HELP_!” Louis screamed, tears streaming down his face. “ _HELP! HE’S RAPING HIM_!”

Harry blocked it all out. The screams of Louis, his own sobbing, the disgusting taunts of Nick who continued to bite on his neck, leaving horrid marks as he violated Harry. He ignored the slamming of the door and ignored the doctors pulling Nick off of him and restraining him. He ignored the horrified looks of the nurses and of Dr. Malik, who must have been on his way to have a session with him only to hear Louis’ pleas.

He ignored when he was promptly removed from the ward and brought back upstairs to an examination room. He ignored the hushed talk around him. But he heard bits and pieces of it. How they always knew that Nick Grimshaw was no good and how they weren’t surprised by his actions.

 _Then why, pray tell_ , thought Harry,  _would you ever allow him to hold a position of power over someone who couldn’t defend himself_?

***

Harry was not returned to the psychiatric ward once he had been thoroughly examined. Presumably, the doctors spoke to Louis who informed them that this was not the first time that Nick had assaulted Harry so they figured returning him would only bring back bad memories.

 _The damage has been done_.

When Louis told the doctors; however, Harry did not know because he refused to have any visitors and the doctors were more than willing to oblige his wishes after the “ordeal” he suffered.

Ordeal, thought Harry mockingly.  _They smell a lawsuit on their hands_.

His mother and Niall had tried to visit him once they were given notice of his removal from the psychiatric ward. Again, he refused any visitors though. He knew they knew. He could hear Niall’s curses and his mother’s wails of despair, but the thought of seeing him made him want to crawl up into a miniscule ball and never move again. They had thought that he was disgusting then… who knows what they must think of him  _now_?

“Dinner Mr. Styles,” said Nurse Edwards one evening a week after the event. She was a kind nurse. She had soft-looking blond hair that she wore back in a slick ponytail. She was quite pretty, especially when wore only a light coating of make-up, Harry noticed. And she always sat with him during her shift to bring him his meals.

He tried to smile at her but was certain that it came out more as a grimace. She seemed to understand though. She sat down on the chair beside him and reached out to touch his hand, but he flinched back. She seemed to realize her mistake.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I wasn’t thinking …”

Harry averted his eyes. It wasn’t her fault that he was so messed up.

“I know what you’re thinking and I want you to stop it this instant,” she said, sternly. He raised his eyebrows at his lap. “You’re thinking that all of this is your fault.”

 _It is_.

“Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. And not that I’ll be able to convince you by saying so but you’re not the first victim of sexual assault to blame himself.”

Harry did not say anything. There was nothing  _to_ say. He was sure that she was right but that meant very little to him. He still felt dirty and she seemed to interpret this by his uncomfortable squirming.

“You’re going to get through this Harry,” she said, supportively. “You’re a strong lad, I can tell. And you’ve got people who care about you and want to help you.”

Harry rolled his eyes and she looked at him sternly.

“I’m serious. I’ve been out there, your mum is beside herself with grief. She’s blaming herself.”

 _Good, she put me here_ , he thought but felt guilty for thinking so. He loved his mum, deep down. Right now though he was compartmentalizing those feelings under the ones of betrayal that he felt for her putting him in this mess.

“And that friend of yours, the Irish fellow.” Harry’s head lifted slightly at the mention of Niall. “He’s been in here every day since they moved you down to the psych ward. He’s got a mouth on him, that lad, and a sucker punch as well.” Harry’s eyebrows furrowed. “You didn’t expect him not to take a swing at Grimshaw and Lucas when they were being taken out of here by the coppers, did you?”

Harry could not help but let out a weak smile, which Nurse Edwards noticed and smiled at.

“That’s not all though. There’s one other person who seems to care deeply about you.”

Harry tilted his head, confused. Who else was there? Gemma was away at school, there was only his mum and Niall…

“That Tomlinson fellow,” continued Nurse Edwards, her eyes sparkling. “Quite a temper on him as well. But for good reason, I reckon. He seems to care an awful lot about you.”

Harry looked down, his eyes filling with the tears that he could not believe he still had after all the crying he had been doing lately. He pushed them back though with the heels of his palms. He could not cry anymore over Louis.

“What’s wrong, darling?” asked Nurse Edwards, softly. “Why did mentioning Louis upset you so much?”

Harry just shook his head. He couldn’t tell her, he couldn't tell  _anyone_. For goodness sakes, he did not even tell Niall. If he revealed Louis’ identity, Louis would be sent to prison for kidnapping and battery. No, the less they knew, the more deniability they could claim and no one would get further into this mess.

“You don’t have to deal with everything on your own, Harry,” she said, soothingly. She handed him a glass of water, which he took mostly just to busy his hands. “Please, let us help you. Let  _me_  help you.”

 _I hardly know you_.

The disbelief must have shown on his face because she sighed.

“I know I’m practically a stranger,” she admitted. “But you’re hurting and I don’t like seeing people in so much pain, especially when it’s avoidable. Let someone else carry some of the burden.”

 _It’s not anyone else’s burden to carry_.

Suddenly, Nurse Edwards’ pager went off. She looked at it and frowned.

“I have to go do my other rounds,” she said, apologetically. “But think over what I said. Also, Mr. Tomlinson really wants to see you. If you want someone to let him in just press the buzzer.”

Harry nodded and watched as she left the room, leaving his tray on the table next to him. He reached over and spooned some of the applesauce, despite it tasting more like snot. He tried to ignore the foul taste though because he knew that Nurse Edwards would have his head on a platter if he did not eat something. Also, he could not ignore the growling in his stomach for much longer.

He thought over what she said. Should he see Louis? Was it worth it? Part of him insisted that no, it would only serve to hurt him more but the other part of him… the part that had felt himself reconnecting with the boy since he arrived here yearned to touch him and to see him again after their time apart. Eventually, his heart won out.

He pressed the buzzer.

***

An orderly that Harry did not recognize arrived with Louis five minutes later. Harry did not look at him when he entered the room though.

“I’ll be right outside the door,” said the orderly shortly. “No funny business.”

Harry continued to play with his fingers, allowing his now extremely long hair to fall into his eyes. Now that Louis was in here with him, he could not bring himself to look at him. He was a different person than the boy Louis had known. He was filthy.

“Haz,” breathed Louis, sitting down on the edge of the bed. He reached out to touch Harry’s left arm, but the younger lad recoiled. Louis immediately retracted his hand.

“I’m so sorry, I –”

Harry just shook his head.

 _Everyone forgets_.

“D-Do you want a pen and paper? So we can talk?”

Harry began chewing on his lower lip. Did he really want to talk to Louis? Yes, he needed to talk to him. He was about the only person who he could talk to in some way.

He nodded and Louis reached for the notepad and pen on the bureau. He handed it gently to Harry, which Harry accepted without touching him. He nodded in thanks and Louis smiled slightly, though Harry did not see it.

 _I’m sorry_.

“Why?” asked Louis, sounding baffled. Harry could feel his eyes filling with tears.

 _I’m a freak. I can’t even talk to you or anyone else properly_.

“ _Don’t_  say that,” said Louis sternly. “None of this was your fault Haz, it was all  _his_  fault, all  _my_  fault. If I had never taken you… you would have had a normal life.”

 _I never would have met you though. No normal life is worth that_.

“You’d be better off without me, Haz. I can’t love you like you deserve. You deserve someone who will love you more than this … I led you to this bed. You deserve to be treated like the princess you –”

Harry’s eyes glazed over and he felt his blood run cold. The tremors he had grown accustomed to experiencing when Nick touched him were returning rapidly. He could feel his heart palpitating, his palms sweating, and he could vaguely hear Louis yelling for help.

_“It’ll be all right princess, I’ll treat you well. I’ll fuck your tight little hole until you’re screaming for more and when you do… well, I’ll leave what’ll happen next to your imagination.”_

He vaguely watched as Louis was ushered from the room and let out a whimper of pain when someone roughly injected something into his arm.

_“You’re not bad, angel. Not bad at all. In fact, I think that we can make this a regular occurrence. What do you say? It was hot, wasn’t it? You’ll see it my way sooner than later, princess. Or else.”_

Those were the last memories pounding in Harry’s head before he drifted off into unconsciousness.


	19. First Thought

After Harry's panic attack, he was under constant surveillance by the Saint Bernard's doctors and psychiatrists. They could not get anything out of him regarding what happened but after speaking with Louis, they deduced that something the feathery-haired boy said had triggered emotional trauma inside of Harry.

 _Hit the nail right on the head_.

He could not have any visitors for a week and a half following his panic attack but when he could, the first person who he granted permission to visit him was Louis. He was not sure why he kept going back to the boy, but he felt like he still needed to say something to him. There was so much left unsaid but Harry, for the life of him, could not figure out what that was.

 _Not that I could say it even if I did figure it out_.

Dr. Malik remained his psychiatrist and tried to help him come out of his own mind every day. He refused to speak when prompted though and would only write when it was to Louis and would promptly destroy the messages after the boy left to return to his room.

Harry now had a calendar in his room. It was November 23, 2013. A Saturday.

The door opened. He knew it was Louis. He had buzzed for him and Louis was the only visitor other than his mother who he allowed in his room, but she had not been to see him in quite some time.

She was in pain, the doctors said.

 _She's not the only one_.

"Hi Haz," whispered Louis, sitting down in his regular spot on the edge of the bed. Harry shifted to give him ample room. "How are you feeling today?"

 _The same_.

"I have something I need to tell you," said Louis softly. He waited for some indication that Harry had heard him and he continued once he received a nod. "I'm going to turn myself in."

Harry's eyes widened in alarm and he shook his head, watching as his hand gripped his sheets tightly. He felt hot tears burn his eyes.

 _Louis was leaving too_.

"I have to Haz, I can't live with myself knowing that I'm not paying for all of the pain I've caused you," choked out Louis. "All of this ... all of this is my fault. You should have been leading a happy and healthy life. Instead, I'm the reason you're having panic attacks and are hurting."

 _Please don't leave me_.

"There's nothing I want to do less than leave you, Hazza," whispered Louis, trying to wipe his eyes discreetly. Harry did not have to look at him to realize what he was doing though. "But I have to own up to what I did."

 _They won't believe you. They think you've lost it too_.

"That's where I need your help." Realization struck Harry.

 _No, I won't do it. Why would they believe me anyway? I'm a nutcase_.

"You're no such thing, Haz. You're wonderful."

 _I can't_.

"You can," Louis insisted. "You won't heal otherwise, Haz. I'm no help to you, not really. I'm dangerous and my temper's no better now than it was when I made you leave. I need help."

 _You'll get that help here, not in prison. You don't belong there_.

"I don't belong anywhere that I can potentially hurt you. Prison is the one place where I can't hurt you."

 _I don't agree_.

"What —?"

 _Are you really that foolish to think that being the one responsible for putting you behind bars won't ruin me_?

"You can't let it," sighed Louis. "Besides, how bad is prison really? I've always been told that orange is my color." Harry's frown deepened. "Hey," said Louis. "I'm going to be fine."

 _It'll be ruled as a first degree kidnapping. I was a minor and you hurt me physically. You're looking at a sentence of at minimum 20 years_.

"How can you possibly know all of that?" asked Louis incredulously.

 _I was planning on studying law_.

"Of course," snorted Louis. He sobered then. "I have to face my actions."

 _Unless_...

"Unless what?"

 _Unless you never hurt me physically while you had me_.

"What are you talking about? I did hurt you —" Louis froze. "Absolutely not. You are not lying to the coppers and a court of law."

 _No one can prove that you hurt me_.

"I know that I did though and I won't let you perjure yourself for my sake."

 _Who says that this is just for you_?

"Harry, we can never see each other again."

 _I thought you loved me_. Harry noticed a tear land on his notepad. The sight pained Louis.

"I did... I  _do_. Gosh, Harry. I love you so much but that doesn't dismiss all that I've done to you."

 _You sure have a funny way of showing it_.

"What else can I do?" groaned Louis, tugging at his hair.

Harry was silent and so was Louis. For what felt like years, neither one of them talked until finally, Harry stuck out his pinky. He felt Louis' own wrap around it.

"I love you so much Harry. So much more than I can possibly express, but know that you're  _always in my heart_  Harry Styles."

Harry swallowed, squeezing Louis' pinky. He felt something rise in his throat, almost as if he was going to vomit. But then he surprised both of them. He looked up and made direct eye contact with Louis.

"I love you too, Louis Tomlinson."

Louis' eyes filled with, if possible, even more love as he stared at the green-eyed boy who he had put through so much pain. He longed to reach out and kiss the boy but restrained himself. He would never intentionally do something to harm Harry.

Harry reached out hesitantly with his free hand and brushed his thumb under Louis' eyes, wiping away the stray tears that the latter boy had not noticed he was shedding prior to the action. Harry continued to stroke Louis' cheek, feeling his face as if committing it to memory. This was probably the last time that they would see each other like this and Harry needed to compartmentalize his pain and anxiety for the time being. It was proving easier than he thought possible, though he could feel his heart rate increasing. He was not entirely sure the reason behind it doing so was because of fear though.

"You don't have to do this," Louis said as Harry traced the older boy's lips with his thumb. Harry marveled at how thin, yet soft the two pink strips were under his touch.

"I know," Harry murmured.

"H-How are you talking?"

"It's you," said Harry simply. "Despite all the pain you might have caused me, y-you never forced me to do anything I w-wasn't c-comfortable with."

"Are you nervous around me?"

Harry nodded and Louis bowed his head. Harry lifted the older boy's face by placing his two fingers under Louis' chin. He admired his bright, blue orbs. They were so pretty.

"I still love you," was all Harry said.

And suddenly, albeit very hesitantly, he leaned closer to Louis while Louis waited with baited breath. He did not want to frighten Harry with any sudden movements, and though he thought he should move away from Harry, he was rooted to the spot.

They were less than an inch apart when Harry finally stopped.

"Are you okay?" Louis breathed, his hot breath tickling Harry.

"We're kind of poetic, you know?" whispered Harry, still holding Louis' pinky in his own.

"How do you mean?"

"Poet Allen Ginsberg — he was one of the founders of the Beat Generation. Great poet, but he loved his best friend even though they could never be together."

"And he reminds you of us?" said Louis, still not following.

"'Some things, once you've loved them, become yours forever, and if you try to let them go... They only circle back and return to you. They become part of who you are...'"

"'...Or they destroy you,'" Louis finished. Harry looked at him in surprise. "It wasn't a far leap of faith."

"A leap of faith..."

"I think it destroyed us," said Louis slowly. Harry shook his head.

"No, I don't think so."

"Why?"

Harry did not respond though, he just continued to stare at Louis' lips. Not once was he reminded of what Nick Grimshaw had done to him. Finally, he looked at Louis once more.

"First thought, best thought," he said, before closing the gap between them.

The kiss was soft and gentle, Louis not wanting to push Harry and Harry just wanting to taste Louis again and remember all the good feelings he had forgotten for what felt like so long. Harry used his free hand to cup Louis' cheek while Louis used his to tangle his fingers in Harry's curls.

They kissed for some time, only coming up for air at brief intervals before they resumed kissing. They only broke apart for real when the door opened to reveal Nurse Edwards.

"Visiting hours are over Mr. Tomlinson. I'm instructed to return you to your room." She had a twinkle in her eye though. Harry suspected that she knew what had been going on moments before.

"One more minute, please? Let me just say goodbye," begged Louis.

Nurse Edwards looked confused but simply nodded, closing the door behind her.

Louis turned to face Harry once more. He gently pecked the younger boy's lips before pulling back again.

"First thought ..."

"... Best thought," Harry finished. "I love you."

"I love you too. Never forget that." Louis hesitated for a second. He removed his pinky from Harry's momentarily to remove the necklace he was wearing.

"What are you —?"

"It's yours," said Louis simply. "When you left, you forgot it and I've been wearing it since hoping that it would guide me back to you. Well, it did its job."

"Keep it," begged Harry, trying to hand it back to Louis.

"They'll only get rid of it. Please?"

Harry sighed and nodded. Louis unclasped the back and fixed it around Harry's neck, watching as the Cross swayed between both of them.

They kissed one more time and Harry crossed their pinkies.

"I love you," he repeated when they pulled apart, their foreheads touching.

"I love you too, Haz. Goodbye." Harry shook his head.

"Not goodbye. See you later."

He watched as Louis left the room with Nurse Edwards. He watched with a sinking feeling in his stomach and love in his heart as the only person who he felt that he could talk to departed and walked out of his life for what may now be the last time.


	20. Filling in the Gaps

Louis had turned himself in. Harry could hear the sirens and knew what purpose they served even before the coppers stormed in and took Louis out in handcuffs. Harry hid under his bed for most of the proceedings and only came out from underneath the bed through the coaxing of Nurse Edwards.

"Come on, love," she said, soothingly. "Don't do this to yourself."

A steady stream of tears continued to flow down Harry's cheeks. He had his hands pressed over his ears trying to block out the sound of the sirens even though they were long gone. His Louis was gone and he would probably never see him again...

"He did what had to be done," persisted Nurse Edwards. "He hurt you, Harry —"

Harry glared venomously at her and she seemed to get the hint. He would not hear a bad word about Louis no matter how wrong his actions were.

"Please get back in bed," she said, changing course. "It's all dusty under there." As if on cue, Harry sneezed and grumbling, allowed her to pull him out from under the bed.

After he was situated under the covers again, there was a knock on the door followed by two men entering. Detective Sergeant Higgins and Detective Inspector Cowell. Perhaps the last people Harry wanted to see considering they were the ones who put him in this hellhole.

"Mr. Styles," greeted both men, seemingly unfazed by Harry's narrowed eyes.

DI Cowell turned to Nurse Edwards appraisingly.

"If you could step out ma'am, we would like to ask Mr. Styles some questions."

"Now isn't a good time," said Nurse Edwards defiantly. Harry never appreciated her more.

"I'm afraid that is not for you to decide Nurse ..."

"Edwards," she said, shortly. "I'm sorry Detective Inspector, but with all due respect, do you hold a medical license?"

"No, of course not."

"Then, as someone who does, it is my obligation to inform you given my professional medical opinion that Harry is not fit to undergo any cross examination."

"We're operating under a tight schedule —"

"It's not my prerogative to worry about your 'tight schedule,' Detective Inspector. My concern is caring for my patients to the fullest extent and that includes not allowing them to be put in any strenuous situation that may prove detrimental to their health."

DS Higgins put a hand on his partner's shoulder to prevent him from arguing further.

"We'll be outside. If you could inform us of who to talk to so that we can set up an appointment with Mr. Styles when he is fit to speak with us it would be appreciated."

"I'd be delighted to but I'm afraid that your appointment might be somewhat delayed, Detective Sergeant," said Nurse Edwards, more kindly to DS Higgins.

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that Mr. Styles is currently mute."

Anger flashed in DI Cowell's eyes.

"He is under legal obligation to —" he shouted before Nurse Edwards cut him off. Harry flinched at the loudness so she put a steadying hand on his shoulder.

"Detective Inspector, I must ask you to lower your voice. This is a place of healing and while you may be out of your depth that does not excuse your behavior. Now, if the pair of you will step outside, I will page Dr. Malik, Mr. Styles' psychiatrist, whom you can speak with regarding Mr. Styles."

DI Cowell looked fit to explode but DS Higgins steered him out of the room without another comment. Once they were gone, Nurse Edwards gazed down at Harry.

"Are you all right?" she asked, and he shrugged. "I'll speak with Dr. Malik. No one is going to speak with you until you're ready, you understand?"

Harry nodded, smiling slightly at the nurse, which she returned. She began to walk away, but when she reached the door, she froze.

"T-Thank you, Nurse Edwards."

She turned to face him with tears in her eyes. Nurse Edwards had a tendency to connect easily with patients and Harry was no exception, having taken up shop in a special place of her heart. She smiled warmly at him, blinking away the tears.

"You're quite welcome, sweetheart," she said before following the men out of the door with a wide smile on her face.

Harry sighed, leaning back on his pillow.

 _One step at a time, as they say_.

***

It was a Thursday when Harry granted Niall permission to visit. He figured that he had let the Irish lad suffer enough so it was only fair to at least let him see him again.

During their sessions, Dr. Malik had been working with Harry on making eye contact with people. Ever since being raped by Nick, Harry had been fearful of looking anyone in the eye, mostly because of being afraid of what he would see. In Nick he had seen something dangerous and cruel that was portrayed through his actions. He was slowly making progress, such as being able to make more eye contact with Nurse Edwards. He could only do it with people he trusted fully though and as of now, there was no male other than Louis with whom he felt some level of trust.

So when Niall walked in, despite Harry having been best mates with the lad for years, he could not find it in himself to trust him fully. He still felt betrayed for Niall's words that day in the corridor when he suggested that Harry may be an inconvenience. Given that betrayal, trusting him was not proving to be an easy feat.

"Hi H," murmured Niall, sitting down in the chair next to his bed. Nurse Edwards had warned him about making any sudden physical contact with Harry. "I've missed you."

Harry nodded at his lap, acknowledging that he had heard Niall. He had missed Niall's Irish voice. Especially his laugh, his laugh was beyond infectious and right now, Harry could use something to make him smile.

After some attempts of getting Harry to talk to him, Niall got the hint that Harry was not up for it so he just began rambling about himself. Harry was perfectly fine with it and to be honest, even found it a tad amusing, especially when Niall began giving him a blow-by-blow about everything he had for dinner last night. At one point, Niall stopped when he saw Harry smiling at his lap and smiled himself.

"I've missed that smile."

Harry froze. He had not realized he had been smiling until then but it felt better than he expected. Slowly, he looked up and made direct eye contact with Niall. The blond boy smiled back at him.

"I'm so sorry about that day when I said coming here was inconvenient H, I didn't mean it. I was just getting riled up by those jokes who call themselves doctors and —"

Harry nodded and grabbed his notepad and pen.

 _I accept your apology_.

"Thanks H," said Niall quietly, looking at the piece of paper. He handed it back to Harry. "Your mum and Gems miss you, you know."

Harry gave him a look.

"No, they do really. They're just not sure how to handle themselves around you, I think they're afraid they'll do or say the wrong thing."

 _They should have never put me here_.

"No arguments there but you know that Anne had the best of intentions."

 _Angel and princess_.

"What?" asked Niall puzzled.

 _If they're so concerned about saying the wrong things, these are the words that they should avoid. It's what he said to me when he_...

Niall shook his head, his fists clenched by his sides.

"I'll let them know," he said, shortly. "I swear, if I ever find that sodding bastard —"

Harry reached out hesitantly and put a hand on Niall's shoulder. Surprised, Niall looked down at the gesture before looking at Harry. He placed a hesitant hand over Harry's own.

"Thank you for trusting me, H. I know it's going to take some time for you to fully heal but I promise you, I'm not leaving you again."

Harry removed his hand and wrote back to Niall:

 _Thank you for being easy to trust_.

***

The situation where Harry had to speak with the police was unavoidable. Without his statement, there could be no legal proceedings on Louis' case. The power to move things forward was held solely by Harry.

"Mr. Styles," said DS Higgins one afternoon. Harry was sitting in the rocking chair by the window for a change of scenery. Nurse Edwards had moved it in from the common room thinking that the soothing rhythm of the rocker would help Harry.

Harry turned and crossed his arms defensively over his chest. He looked behind DS Higgins for his counterpart but only saw Nurse Edwards. The action did not go unmissed by the Detective Sergeant.

"Dr. Malik suggested that my partner sit this one out since he has a tendency to... grill people for what he wants." Harry let out a small snort.

"May I sit down?" continued DS Higgins as if he had not heard Harry.

Harry nodded his head toward the chair next to his bed. Taking his cue, DS Higgins pulled the chair and sat across from Harry, making sure to keep his distance. Nurse Edwards remained by the doorway, giving the appearance that she was allowing them privacy but was also ready to intervene if necessary.

"How are you?" asked DS Higgins suddenly.

Harry tilted his hand back and forth to the side, which caused DI Higgins to chuckle.

"My apologies," the Detective Sergeant apologized. "It's just that my son does the same thing so I couldn't help but be reminded of him." He pulled out his wallet. "This is him just out of the hospital after being born."

Harry stared at the little bundle in the woman's arms who he could only assume was DS Higgins' wife. In the photo was also DS Higgins, who stood behind his wife's wheelchair with a proud smile on his face. Harry thought they made an attractive couple.

DS Higgins replaced the photo in his wallet and resumed staring at Harry, who dropped his gaze to the floor and continued rocking.

"Dr. Malik has told me that you have been making steady progress," commented DS Higgins, and Harry shrugged. "Well, he told me that you have spoken to Nurse Edwards and have been making strides to speaking fully with your mate again. That's great."

Harry wondered why DS Higgins was bothering with all of the small-talk when he clearly had a point that he needed to get to soon. It could not be that slow of a day at work.

"Do you think you could talk to me? Even if by writing on your notepad?"

Harry hesitated. He still did not like the idea of talking to any of the coppers. But he also realized that he had to cooperate and talking with DS Higgins was the lesser of two evils. The man, despite his position of power, did not seem out to hurt him in any way.

Harry finally nodded and grabbed his notepad and pen off of the table.

"Thank you," said DS Higgins sincerely. "I want you to know Mr. Styles that if any point I say anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you may inform me or Nurse Edwards and I promise that I will come back at a later time. Is that all right?"

Harry nodded, feeling slightly better about talking to the detective. Maybe this would not go as horribly as he thought it would.

"Could you tell me when you were abducted?"

 _May 23, 2011_.

"And where were you when the abduction occurred?"

 _I was walking to my mate Niall's house_.

DS Higgins made some notes for himself before proceeding.

"Did you make a habit of walking to Niall's house alone?"

 _Yes_.

"Did he live close?"

 _Yes_.

"Who was aware of your whereabouts?"

 _Niall knew that I was on my way and I had told my mum where I was going before I left_.

"And did you stop to speak with anyone on the way?"

 _No_.

"Did you sense anything odd on your walk to Niall's house?"

 _Not at first. I had headphones in both ears so I couldn't hear anyone following me until the tires of the car that he took me in screeched_.

"Do you happen to remember the make and model of the car?"

 _I just know that it was a black SUV_.

"Okay. So the black SUV screeched and you turned around presumably to see what happened. Then what occurred?"

 _I took my headphones out and when I turned I felt a prick like some sort of pin in my neck. I must've been drugged because everything after that went black until I arrived at where he kept me_.

"Could you describe the place where you were kept?"

 _It was not too far off of London but remote enough that we were near a forest. The house was like a cabin. Not too small, not too large. Just a regular run-of-the-mill cabin_.

"Where were you kept in the cabin?"

 _I was in one of the rooms. One of the back rooms_.

"Against your will?"

 _At first, yes. I was restricted to the bed with a blindfold covering my eyes_.

"At first?"

 _After a little over three months he let me roam around freely_.

"Were you given opportunities to leave the grounds?"

 _He would let me go outside occasionally but only if he supervised me. Otherwise, I was allowed to wander but only indoors_.

"Did you ever disobey one of Mr. Tomlinson's orders?"

Harry frowned at the way DS Higgins posed the question but swallowed and replied on his notepad.

 _Yes_.

"What did you do?"

 _I — I was feeling claustrophobic. Like he was everywhere and I hadn't been outside properly for over a year. So I drugged him and went in disguise to walk around London_.

"Why didn't you go home?"

 _I was afraid that someone would recognize me_.

"Did you encounter anyone that you knew when you were in London?"

 _Niall. I literally collided with him and after pretending to be a foreigner, he showed me a photo of myself with information on who to contact if I knew anything_.

"Why didn't you reveal yourself to him?"

 _I was petrified. My intention was never to be discovered. No matter how much I missed home I never wanted to leave Louis permanently_.

"Did you make any other stops after running into Niall?"

 _No. I saw the time and panicked, realizing that Louis was probably awake and freaking out at home_.

DS Higgins made a note for himself. He then looked up at Harry.

"You're doing wonderfully, Mr. Styles. Do you need a break?" Harry shook his head. "Can you tell me... did Mr. Tomlinson have a temper?"

Harry closed his eyes.

_-FLASHBACK 1-_

_"TELL ME WHO YOU ARE."_

_SLAP!_

 

_-FLASHBACK 2-_

_"Whatever you say, prick."_

_"Stop calling me that."_

_"I'm sorry. Is prissy more your speed?"_

_SMACK!_

 

_-FLASHBACK 3-_

_Louis' eyes flashed and he swung back, ready to make contact with Harry's face. Harry froze, waiting for the impact when instead Louis changed course and made contact with the wall. There was a sickening crunch as the wall indented and Louis' hand made impact._

 

_-FLASHBACK 4-_

_SLAP!_

_Harry tumbled backwards, colliding with the television and sending both him and it crashing to the floor. There was a sickening crunch._

_Harry watched with wide, fearful eyes as Louis approached him. Never had Louis continued to hurt him after the initial slap. He always promptly apologized. He had been getting his temper in check lately. It was all his fault for upsetting his Louis..._

_He felt a swift kick to his gut and his curled in on himself in pain. Another kick to his ribs._

_"Louis," he gasped. "Louis, please —"_

_The older boy could not seemingly hear him, delivering a blow to Harry's left eye._

_-END FLASHBACKS-_

"Harry... Harry, are you all right?" Nurse Edwards said, shaking him gently.

Harry suddenly jolted to his senses. He wiped his now wet eyes on the back of his sleeve and looked back down at his notepad.

 _Yes_.

DS Higgins looked at Harry's response and then back at Nurse Edwards.

"Perhaps we should call it a day —?"

Harry shook his head no though to both of their surprises.

"Are you sure?" asked Nurse Edwards hesitantly. Harry nodded.

 _I may not be able to re-start if we stop now_  Harry thought to himself.

"Fine, but if you get upset again then we are stopping," she said, sternly. She returned to her post by the door after patting his shoulder reassuringly.

"Mr. Styles, did Mr. Tomlinson ever hurt you physically?"

 _Yes_.

"Emotionally?"

Harry hesitated before writing:

 _Yes_.

"Did he ever force himself on you?"

 _NO_.

DS Higgins rubbed his face wearily.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

Both DS Higgins and Nurse Edwards looked at Harry in surprise. Harry himself was surprised as well, but he supposed he just wanted them to hear the message loud and clear.

"Did you and Mr. Tomlinson ever have consensual intercourse?"

 _Yes_.

"Did you ever feel unsafe around him?"

 _Sometimes_.

"Could you elaborate?"

 _Right after he would get angry, I would be uneasy around him. Most of the time though, things were great between us. After he released me, we were closer than ever. There was a level of trust between us that I wouldn't leave him and that he would treat me as his equal. When I wasn't afraid of him, I only loved him_.

"Did Mr. Tomlinson say that he loved you as well?"

 _Yes, he loved me_ , Harry responded, purposely emphasizing that he did in fact love him, not that he simply said so.

"How did he react when he found out that you drugged him and that you left to go to London?"

 _He was furious. He couldn't believe how stupid I had been to think it would be a good idea. We started yelling at each other_.

"And did he hit you?"

 _No. I thought he was going to but he hit the wall instead_.

"Had he hit you before?"

 _Twice. The first time when I first got there and was yelling for an explanation. Then the second time was when I was provoking him by saying awful things to try and get him to let me go_.

"Did he seem remorseful after hitting you?"

 _I'm not sure about the first time because I was blindfolded, but every time after that, yes. After he hit the wall, later that night he made me promise that if he ever hit me again... that I would leave him_.

Harry felt that this was necessary to include. If Louis could not vouch for his own character, Harry would try his very hardest to do so for him.

"And did he?"

 _Yes_.

"Why?"

 _My mum and Niall were on the news again. They made it clear that they knew I was still out there because Niall realized later that it was me who he had bumped into on the street that day. Louis was furious — he said that he knew something like this would happen and that it was all my fault and that I was only thinking of myself instead of him_.

"And he hit you then?" Harry nodded, wiping his eyes.

 _It was worse than it had ever been before. Normally it was just a slap, but this time he continued. Normally he'd apologize immediately afterwards but instead he kicked me in the gut and ribs and then in my one eye_.

"What happened following that?"

 _He stopped and was in the corner crying. He begged me to leave him saying that I deserved better. Finally, he convinced me to go and I did. I walked most of the way back home before collapsing when my mum opened the door_.

"Thank you very much for being so cooperative, Mr. Styles. Do you mind answering one more question?" Harry nodded. "Did Mr. Tomlinson ever tell you that he suffered from mild schizophrenia?"

Harry felt his blood run cold. Why had Louis never told him? With a shaky hand, he wrote his response messily on the pad before handing it to DS Higgins to keep as evidence.

 _No, sir. He never told me_.


	21. Stockholm Syndrome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter of the first part of this story! Enjoy!

"So, how'd the questioning go?" asked Niall. He was sat across from Harry, who was rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.

 _That's a loaded question_.

Niall looked at his best mate concerned so Harry elaborated.

 _For the most part the questioning was fine. It was only DS Higgins who came, thankfully. But by the end he told me something about Louis that Louis had never told me_.

"What was it?"

Harry swallowed.

 _He told me that Louis had a case of mild schizophrenia_.

Niall's eyes widened as he read what Harry had written on the page. He then looked up at the green-eyed lad.

"He never told you?" Harry shook his head. "It doesn't make what he did right, H."

 _It doesn't make him solely responsible though. He wasn't getting the help he needed, so he couldn't control himself when he would get angry_.

"It doesn't change what we know though, H. The more you try to convince yourself that he had little responsibility, the harder it's going to be to face that he's going to be locked away for a long time."

Harry remained silent, not bothering to respond to Niall. Sensing this, the blond boy swiftly changed the subject.

"Have Anne and Gemma –?" Harry simply shook his head. "I'm sorry, H. I thought once I gave them the sheet that they would be less on edge about the whole thing."

 _It's not your fault, Ni. If they're so disgusted with me then I'd prefer them keeping their distance. It's not like I have anything to say to them_.

"Don't be like that, H. They love you."

 _You keep saying that, but I'm still waiting for them to show any indication of it_.

"They'll come to eventually. You're going to be leaving soon, aren't you?"

Harry nodded.

 _Apparently I'm still sick enough to be having therapy sessions with Dr. Malik but not sick enough to take up space here. Go figure_. Niall snorted.

 _I'm not going home though_.

"What?" said Niall sharply. Harry stared at him blankly. "What do you mean you're not going home? Where are you going?"

 _Anywhere else. I don't belong there, Niall. If they can't get out of their own way to visit me here what makes you think things will be any better at home_?

"Mate, this place is bloody depressing."

 _Yeah, trying living here 24/7_.

"Sorry H, I didn't –" Harry just shook his head. Niall was silent for a moment before he blurted out, "Do you wish that you had never left Louis?"

Harry sighed, running a hand through his too long hair. He needed a haircut when he got out of here.

 _Will you hate me if I say the wrong thing_?

"I could never hate you, H. You and I both know that."

 _I'm sorry. How rotten of a best mate am I_?

"You're not," amended Niall. "That title solely belongs to me. This entire time I've been trying to poison you against Louis like it would help you but really, you can't help how you feel."

 _Thank you, Niall_. Harry hesitated for a moment.  _I've started writing a song about what happened. You know, to try and get my emotions out on paper_.

Niall's interested suddenly peaked.

"Yeah? How's it coming?"

 _I've got the beginning, the bridge, and the chorus so far, but I've hit a road block after that. Do you want to hear it_?

Niall's eyes lit up.

"Are you going to sing it?"

Harry nodded, playing with his fingers nervously. Niall fixed him with a look.

"You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, H."

 _I know, but singing is different. It's like – it's me but at the same time it's someone else that no one knows about so I don't feel as uneasy. Sorry, I'm doing a rubbish job at explaining myself, and now I'm rambling_...

"Breathe H." Harry let out a breath and smiled weakly at Niall. He got up and went to his bedside table and grabbed a sheet of paper that had his notes on it and scrawl in the margins.

"It's called Stockholm Syndrome," he said, lowly. He stared down at the paper so that he would not see Niall's expression. He was still uneasy about talking around him.

Harry took a deep breath and began.

_Who's that shadow holding me hostage?_

_I've been here for days_

_Who's this whisper telling me that I'm never gonna get away?_

_I know they'll be coming to find me soon_

_But I fear I'm getting used to_

_Being held by you_

_Oh, baby, look what you've done to me_

_Oh, baby, look what you've done now_

_Oh, baby, I'll never leave if you keep holding me this way, oh o-oh_

_Oh, baby, look what you've done to me_

_Oh, baby, you've got me tied down_

_Oh, baby, I'll never leave if you keep holding me this way, oh o-oh_.

Harry folded the sheet of paper and braved a look at Niall. To Harry's relief, he did not look disgusted or fearful. He was simply stunned speechless.

"Blimey," was all he said at first.

 _Good or bad_?

"Incredible... haunting, but incredible. Have you written before, H?" Harry shook his head. "Well, you should. I'd love to see what else you could write. I could even play guitar as some background for you." Harry smiled a genuine smile.

"Thank you, Ni."

"Any time, H."

***

"Honey, please come home," pleaded Anne. It was a month later and Saint Bernard's had finally given Harry the green light to leave. Harry was organizing and re-organizing his duffel bag of clothes and notes. He had written a lot in the past month and he wanted to make sure that he did not forget anything.

He did not respond to his mother, mostly because he did not feel like he owed anything to her. Coming here did more harm than it did help for him. Sure, Nurse Edwards was kind and Dr. Malik helped some, and he certainly would not have seen Louis again had he not come, but as far as he was concerned, not much had improved.

Except, he could perhaps see more clearly who truly supported him.

"Harry, talk to me," Anne persisted. "I'm your  _mother_."

Harry glanced to the corner of the room where Niall stood with an upset expression on his face. He hated seeing Niall torn like this but he had asked the lad if he could stay with him for a little while until he figured out his next move and Niall had been more than happy to oblige. Since Niall was also nineteen, he was studying at Uni and had his own flat in the middle of London. His flat mate just recently moved out so he assured Harry that he had the room and after much thought, Harry promised the lad that he would find a job and pay his end of the rent even though Niall said that was not necessary. It was very much so for Harry though.

Harry looked away when Niall noticed him looking and faced his duffel again. There was nothing more to pack. He could still hear his mother though and tried to block her words out.

"You can't do this, Harry Edward Styles. I'm still your mother and you owe it to me to –"

"I owe you,  _nothing_ ," snapped Harry, speaking to her for the first time since she arrived.

Anne was left speechless as Harry through his duffel over his shoulder and side-stepped her, walking into the corridor to greet Nurse Edwards. She had a sad smile on her face.

"I'm so glad you're making progress Harry," she said, genuinely. "And I'm glad you're getting out of here, but I must admit something selfish." He raised an eyebrow. "I'm going to miss you." He smiled slightly.

"I'm going to miss you too, Perrie."

She wiped her eyes discreetly and he sighed. He hated when the people he cared about cried. He never knew how to handle it or make them feel better. So he did the only thing he knew how to do and felt comfortable enough to do seeing as it was Perrie.

"Come here," he murmured, opening his arms. She stepped into them and he wrapped them around her delicate frame. "I'm going to miss you too. You were the silver lining in this storm cloud of a place."

She chuckled, patting his hair before pulling away. She cupped his cheeks gently and he refrained from cringing. It was only Perrie.

"Take care of yourself," she said, solemnly. "And you have my number if you ever need help or someone to talk to."

He nodded. She smiled at him once more and he kissed her gently on the forehead.

"Come on, Ni," he said, quietly. He readjusted his duffel.

The blond came out of the room and nodded at Nurse Edwards before turning to Harry.

"You're sure about this?" he asked, hesitantly. Harry nodded.

"More sure than I've been about anything in a long time."

***

By the time the trial rolled around two years had come and gone and Harry and Niall were both twenty-one years old. Harry was called to testify, which of course brought the entire ordeal back to the surface but Niall was beside him every step of the way.

Throughout the trial, he refused to make eye contact with Louis. He could feel the eyes of the boy he used to know, but was now a man, on him but he paid them no mind. He had said his goodbye that day in Saint Bernard's and their goodbye was perfect. He played his role and then he left. It was what Louis claimed he wanted and if being locked away for years was what Louis wanted then Harry had no choice but to oblige.

Harry and Niall still shared a flat in London together. Together, they worked at acclimating Harry to the life that he felt he could lead happily and for Harry, he found that in providing musical therapy for young children and adolescents like himself who had suffered some form of trauma.

Niall continued to go to Uni where he was eventually signed on to Manchester United, an honour that floored him when he received the news. Harry was not surprised though. Niall always had the skill and potential to go on and play football for an outstanding team.

And then there was Louis. He had managed to get a lawyer that worked some legal magic and reduced his sentence to a second-degree kidnapping charge. A maximum of only five years in prison – fifteen less than he would have received under a first-degree charge. It was a light sentence considering all that he had done and although his mum and Niall were not happy about it, Harry could not find it in himself to be upset. Sometimes the chips fall a certain way.

And sometimes people don't get their forever and always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the first part of the series! I will be posting the second part soon, so make sure to subscribe if you're interested!


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